Washington, D.C.  – From the moment President Obama announced his pick for the soon-to-be vacant seat on the Supreme Court, both house and senate republicans convened behind closed doors to evaluate their collective position, or rather opposition, of nominee Elena Kagan.

The Anti-Kagan Talking Point Committee has since meet on four separate occasions, each time discussing various buzzwords and key phrases they could possibly use while discussing their displeasure for the president’s selection of someone that is not of their mindset and ideology while they appear on television or talk with online and print reporters. “It’s too early to unveil our current buzzword media flood strategy, but we can say that the accusations being discussed are classic republican over-reaction and hyperbole,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, “some of the old mainstays like ‘Socialist’ and ‘Marxist’ are certainly on the table.”

Anonymous sources with close ties to the Republican Party and the clandestine meetings tell Apolitucs that republicans are working their hardest to deliver a fresh take on the old school idea of stanchly protesting a Supreme Court candidate before the candidate’s inevitable approval. Such words and phrases as “Doo-Doo Head” and “Fatty McFatterson” are being mulled over by the committee, but are in no way indicative of the final set of 2 to 3 terrifying buzzwords the committee will settle on; that they are merely a few off-the-top-of-the-head suggestions in an ever growing stew of apocalyptic-level fear -mongering verbiage.

“There are no bad ideas in talking point brainstorming,” said McConnell, “just bad ideas from the people our voter base has trained us to oppose, regardless of their merit.”

Washington, D.C. – In his weekly radio and internet address, President Obama has weakly warned that if congress fails to pass strong and substantial financial reform America would be priming itself for a repeat of its current financial crisis.

The president’s half-hearted plea for some kind, any kind of reform comes just as debates gear up on the hill in regards to this reform bill that the president hopes to have signed by the end of the year, or, you know, whenever it’s ready, because, as the president stated during his radio address, “just, you know, take your time…but we need it kind of soon.”

A proposal by senate democrats would, for the first time, allow for the regulation of derivatives, assets that can produce steep losses, or huge profits, if the value of their underlying asset sinks – and one of the central financial assets that were said to be the cause of the collapse.  “These derivatives are bad, and I ask congress to move quickly, but not too quickly, to regulate these toxic assets, only if they have the time and are feeling up to it,” said President Obama.

Showing a remarkable amount of spine, on Friday President Obama stated that he would veto any bill that did not regulate derivatives, also adding that he may sign said hypothetical bill in to law anyway as to not cause “too much of a hassle.”

Towards the end of his radio and internet address President Obama’s voice crawled to a low, breathy whisper, occasionally broken by a throat clearing and a temporary spike in volume before eventually petering out in to a mumble: “These regulations need to be enacted as to mmm-mmm-mmm-bah-sim-bah-bah…AHEM…to protect out citze—mmm-bah.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP has announced a partnership with the ACME corporation to provide planning and logistics for Congressional Republicans’ next meeting with President Barack Obama. They hope to avoid a repeat of the previous two such meetings.

At January’s presidential visit to the House Republican Issues Conference, President Obama offered to answer questions, live on camera. The result was political carnage, with Republican insiders recognizing their mistake within hours of the event’s finish.

The GOP seemed prepared for Thursday’s Healthcare Summit. Although the event was ostensibly their own idea, they called it “a trap,” and armed themselves with piles of talking points. The result was six hours of talk that saw them no closer to their goal than when they started.

That’s where ACME comes in. A high-level GOP strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “We were right to call it a trap, but we kept hearing that it was a trap of our own making. A trap of our own making! That gave us the idea to hire ACME.”

The company will provide logistical support for the Republicans’ next meeting with the President, which sources say will occur near an overhanging rock in the desert. ACME will ship crates of rockets, pulleys, anvils, and other implements to the location, where House Minority Whip Eric Cantor will have to set them up himself.

Some analysts see the move as a shot at the GOP’s current strategist, Richard Dastardly of the consulting firm of Dastardly, Muttley, & Luntz. “Nothing could be farther from the truth.” said Dastardly via an emailed statement.

“We welcome ACME’s participation. Our firm has tried to nab him, without success. We’ve also tried to grab him, tab him, and even jab him, sound strategies, all. If ACME can help, so much the better. The important thing is that we stop that POTUS now!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Saturday that the President, upon hearing the news, responded by saying “Meep! Meep!” and disappearing into the horizon ahead of a winding vapor trail.