When a prominent figure is involved in a public sex scandal, it can instantly destroy a reputation that’s taken years to build. Think Eliot Spitzer. Think Senator Larry Craig. Think John Edwards. And most of all, think former President Bill Clinton.

Now that David Letterman has revealed that he had multiple affairs with show staffers over a 20 year period, how is he punished? Why, with his highest ratings in years, of course – so high that on one October evening, his 11:30 pm show had a bigger audience than every single one of NBCs primetime programs.

So how did Dave the Dude survive relatively unscathed while Bill the Boner was forced to hang his head in shame? We’ve got the answers. Sorry Dave, its not a top ten list but a top five will get the job done.

Drum roll please

5. The TV Mea Culpa

After dropping off the $2 million dollar check to the alleged extortionist (by the way, what blackmailer accepts checks?), Letterman immediately addressed the issue on his show that night. He was honest, forthright, admitted to doing some creepy things and apologized for his behavior. Watch it here:

Bill Clinton, after first denying the Monica Lewinsky rumors (yes, he said, on national TV, I did not have sexual relations with that woman), ended up having to give legal testimony on just what he actually did have with that woman. This prompted the now-infamous Clinton query on what the meaning of is is. Watch it here:

4. The Humiliated Wife

Letterman, by quickly and cleanly admitting the affair on national TV and then, the following week, by publicly apologizing to his wife (after she waterboarded him the entire weekend, no doubt) did about as much as anyone could after turning their marriage into a national embarrassment.

Bill, on the other hand, tried to throw the fastball past Hillary. He made her believe Monica was a poor deluded beret-wearing buffoon and that, again, he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Armed with the certainty of her husbands innocence, poor deluded Hillary went on The Today Show to blame Monicagate on the vast right-wing conspiracy. Yes, it turns out you can be right and absolutely wrong at the same time!

See a Sean Hannity-ized excerpt of the video here:

3. The (Alleged!) Blackmailers

Letterman’s woes were caused by one bitter and supposedly-broke man whose current live-in was rumored to be one of Daves staff conquests.

Clintons woes were caused by (in addition to Bills penis) a Republican attack-dog machine that began operation shortly after Clinton took office when a special prosecutor was named to investigate the pathetic Whitewater land deal (Wow! A scandal where the alleged perpetrator LOST money!).

Somewhere along the way, the first special prosecutor was replaced by Mr. Polly Prissypants himself, Kenneth Starr, who decided to spend millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars to investigate every single possible thing about Bill Clinton and came up empty-handed, until God gave him (and Bill) the gift of Monica Lewinsky.

Of course, if one wanted to be a real vast right-wing conspiracy nut, you could think, HmmmLetterman bashed Bush for years. HmmmLetterman gave Obama a whole hour of air time. HmmmLettermans (ALLEGED!!!) blackmailers last name was HaldermanJUST ONE LETTER AWAY from the last name of Richard Nixon’s right-hand man, Bob Haldeman!

We smell a Keith Olbermann special comment coming on

2. Their Number Two(s)

How can you really tell if someone can survive a scandal without a scratch? Just take a look at what his number two has to say about it. Are they running for cover or sticking their neck out?

Now some people might think of Paul Schaeffer as Lettermans #2. We don’t agree. A real number two is someone who could potentially be #1 so that honor would have to go to Craig Ferguson, the man who hosts the late night talkfest immediately after Dave’s. Letterman hired him and his company produces his show.

Ferguson could have said nothing and waited to see which way the wind blew. Instead, he immediately rushed to a public defense of the bossman:

Contrast that with Bill Clintons #2, Al Gore, who ran for president in the wake of the still-reverberating Monicagate scandal.

During his campaign, Al avoided invoking Clinton’s name like the plague, acting like the President who had presided over one of the best economic stretches in American history was some kind of disease-ridden scumbucket that needed to be kept away in a special locked and preferably boarded-up ward room. Like in that creepy place where Gotham City has all the insane villains put away until the next Batman movie.

And, to top it off, after Gore lost to George W. Bush, a person who was arguably the biggest idiot ever to hold the highest office in the land, Clinton asked his former VP why he didnt let him at least campaign for him in Arkansas, where he was still popular. Oh, that discussion went well… it ended in a screaming match, according to a new book, The Clinton Tapes, by historian Taylor Branch.

To sum up, Ferguson: Letterman’s a great guy! Gore: Bill who?

1. Cigars

The devil, as they say, is in the details. And, in our mind, it all comes down to what Wikipedia refers to as a “tightly rolled bundle of dried and fermented tobacco”.

David Letterman was long known as a cigar aficionado – until his bypass surgery, anyway. Many of his publicity photos used to feature him puffing away on a big one. But Letterman had the good taste to, as far as we know, only put the cigars in his mouth.

Clinton, however, he…well…ah…he and Monica…well, they…um…the cigar…er

If you dont know, find a used copy of The Starr Report. Its got twice the impact of a Letter to Penthouse, because it actually happened.

Of course, we still don’t know all the grisly details of what happened between Letterman and his female staffers, but until we hear of a Stupid Human Trick that trumps the sex toy stogie, we’ll have to declare Dave the winner and champion of the Sex Scandal Survival Sweepstakes.