In a shocking turn of events and in blatant disregard for political legislation, and of the space-time continuum, the Health Insurance industry announced today that they have not only already found ways to work around the laws in the newly passed Health Care reform bill, but they have already discovered loop holes in all Health Care reform bills from the future.

“We’ve seen the future, we know what’s coming,” said Charles Bradley, CEO of UnitedHealth Group, as he stood before his UnitedHealth Group-branded two-seater time machine. “We’ve seen all the different ways this can play out. We’ve got work-arounds for every plan Washington will ever throw at us.”

Bradley went on to describe his ideas for continuing to drop patients with pre-existing conditions, even after the Health care reform bill of 2084 passes with a near unanimous vote and an overwhelming consensus of U.S. citizens, most of which haven’t even been born yet. “Mega-Washington thought it would be cute to tell the Globo-Insur-O-Corp that we can’t drop patients that are born with defects to their cybernetic implants,” said Bradley.

“Oh! Are you guys thinking about how you can work around my work-around?” said Bradley, in a mocking manner. “Go ahead, try to outwit us. We have a freakin’ time machine. We know what you’re going to do before you do it.”

Describing the mechanics of time travel, Professor Elderbrand, who teaches particle physics at MIT said, “When one travels through time, one is actually traveling in to another dimension – an alternate world, so to speak.“ He continued, “So as soon they tell us of a work-around for future legislation, and we try to come up with a work-around for the work-around, a new world is created; the health insurers then travel through time to the newly created alternate world and develop another work-around based off the work-around we created in the present for legislation we can’t even conceive of today.”

Professor Elderbrand closed by saying, “Trying to explain it is really exhausting, but, in short, they’re giving us a pan-dimensional, pan-historical screwing.”

Washington, D.C. – With Democrats in Washington still celebrating the passage of the Health Care reform bill they have been feverishly working on for the past year, there is perhaps no other member of the Washington elite that is showing more emotion than House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her forehead.

Long thought to have been rendered motionless by years of face lifts and Botox injections, Congress woman Pelosi dazzled a crowd of reporters and onlookers during a post-vote speech on the steps of the Capitol Building, as she raised her eye brows upwards slightly, expressing only a fraction of the jubilation that her words expressed.

“This is not just a victory for democrats,” said Mrs. Pelosi, as her face twitched ferociously in an attempt to express some physical form of excitement. “This is a victory for the American people.”

Taking to the White House podium, President Obama praised Mrs. Pelosi for heaving her eye brows more than 7 centimeters above the position they are normally frozen in, while also acknowledging that when she did so, he noticed a slight wrinkle on her forehead that acted as undeniable proof that “Mrs. Pelosi is not an android, cyborg, nor is she in any way bionic.”

President Obama then jokingly added, “But we’re still going to need to see an X-ray of your skull, just to be sure.”

As of publishing time, Apoliticus has yet to receive official confirmation as to whether Mrs. Pelosi has fully recuperated from the exhaustive forehead movement, but various sources are claiming Mrs. Pelosi is still reeling from the after effects of such a strenuous physical task.

One anonymous source quotes a Pelosi aide as saying, “Congress woman Pelosi should be back up and legislating within a few days, just as soon as the color returns to her face and scars of her celebratory face lift have healed.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP has announced a partnership with the ACME corporation to provide planning and logistics for Congressional Republicans’ next meeting with President Barack Obama. They hope to avoid a repeat of the previous two such meetings.

At January’s presidential visit to the House Republican Issues Conference, President Obama offered to answer questions, live on camera. The result was political carnage, with Republican insiders recognizing their mistake within hours of the event’s finish.

The GOP seemed prepared for Thursday’s Healthcare Summit. Although the event was ostensibly their own idea, they called it “a trap,” and armed themselves with piles of talking points. The result was six hours of talk that saw them no closer to their goal than when they started.

That’s where ACME comes in. A high-level GOP strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “We were right to call it a trap, but we kept hearing that it was a trap of our own making. A trap of our own making! That gave us the idea to hire ACME.”

The company will provide logistical support for the Republicans’ next meeting with the President, which sources say will occur near an overhanging rock in the desert. ACME will ship crates of rockets, pulleys, anvils, and other implements to the location, where House Minority Whip Eric Cantor will have to set them up himself.

Some analysts see the move as a shot at the GOP’s current strategist, Richard Dastardly of the consulting firm of Dastardly, Muttley, & Luntz. “Nothing could be farther from the truth.” said Dastardly via an emailed statement.

“We welcome ACME’s participation. Our firm has tried to nab him, without success. We’ve also tried to grab him, tab him, and even jab him, sound strategies, all. If ACME can help, so much the better. The important thing is that we stop that POTUS now!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters Saturday that the President, upon hearing the news, responded by saying “Meep! Meep!” and disappearing into the horizon ahead of a winding vapor trail.