Dear members of the angry mob,

Over the past few weeks, we have been observing your activities with great interest. As you have stood, united in your cause, standing shoulder to shoulder with your fellow men, we have never been more confident that the whole is never equal to the sum of its parts. In fact it is not equal to the sum of one part. Collectively you have displayed intelligence no greater than the last lemming to jump off a cliff after all its brethren have lept.

Don’t get us wrong. Individually, you may be top notch. You may be gentle folk who are saavy to the ways of the world. Like the good kid who starts to get bad grades when they hang out with the wrong crowd, you may have just lost your way. You may be dumb by association, or suffer from temporary dumbness. You may have a treatable version of dumb rather than a chronic dumb.

It is with this hope, and with temporary absence of that guy in the bud hat sporting a “Obama eats puppies and washes them down with kittens” placard, that we offer you a few immutable facts to help you determine whether you are running with a smart angry mob or a dumb angry mob.

Fact 1: There is no such thing as a smart angry mob

Do you get the sense that most of the people around you would not be able to provide an intelligent answer if asked why they are assembled? And that those remaining  would have vastly different answers from one to the next? Chances are you are in an angry, directionless mob and your IQ has already dropped by 20 points. You should work your way out of the crowd immediately. Still not sure? Look at the signs that are being carried around…do they make any sense? Have they been checked for spelling? We didn’t think so.

Why doesn't she support the pubic option?

Fact 2: However bad the politician or the policy, remember that Nazis were really bad.

So Nazis were bad asses, and they exterminated 10 million jews, homosexuals and handicapped people during something called World War II. They also sometimes made housewares like lamps out of parts of the dead, all while trying to conquer Europe. They were really evil, not evil light.

If you are in a crowd that starts to say that such and such is a Nazi policy, and so and so is a Nazi, it is nearly certain you are in an angry mob, and you should get the hell out… Because you know who loved angry mobs? The Nazis…that’s who.

Fact 3: It is not expedient for a politician to support anything that sounds like part of a Twilight Zone plot line.

Generally, politicians have a concern about being re-elected, and this concern is with them from day one of their first term. Policies that involve feeding the electorate to aliens, keeping the citizenry in human zoos or subverting the political system (ok, there is this guy) are not in their best interest.  Neither is something like a “Death Panel”.

If you are in a crowd and a very serious discussion erupts over the faked moon landing, chances are that the crowd will also be open to other crackpot theories du jour. You are in a nascent angry mob. Get the hell out.

More likely interested in serving man through public office...not with potatoes and coleslaw....

Fact 4: Canada can’t be to blame for everything…

Everyone knows that Canada is inherently evil, with their cuddly beavers and their insane notions about universal healthcare…at least everyone seems to know that in the crowd you arein. You are either in a South Park movie or the makings of an angry mob. No sudden movements, but kindly exit stage right.

Fact 5: The louder political pundits support the angrier mobs

Many angry political pundits follow mobs like you and I follow stocks, and they love volatility. If angry white guys were an ETF then the biggest shareholders would be Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

Choosing a rally to attend based on a pundit’s recommendation is like asking a pharmaceutical company what drugs you should be taking. You should know that they will recommend what is in their interests…don’t get upset when that third arm sprouts up or when your appendages begin to change color.

These are just a few rules of thumb to heed so you can avoid being caught up in something that sane Americans will shake their heads at. Of course, you can always ignore these rules and have the exclusive opportunity to hang out with these guys:

Number 5: The town hall sessions were staged by the same guys who did the moon landing

See how the flag flaps? Everyone knows that there is no wind in South Carolina...

Why agree to reform health care if the guy that is claiming to do all of these town hall meetings is not actually there. Furthermore, if he is not actually there, and the Liberal Hollywood Industrial Complex is creating these events at a studio in Culver City, how can we be certain that Obama isn’t actually a kitten-eating robot as some other reports suggest?

Here kitty kitty...

Number 4: A key public option supporter was the second gunman in the Kennedy assasination

The dude who shot at JFK from the grassy knoll was big on the public option for health care…or at least we can assume he was, since anyone who believes in the public option must be a COMMUNIST. If Lee Harvey Oswald was at least a part time communist, it stands to reason that the phantom shooter must have also been a communist. The 2nd shooter may still be among us with his looney tune ideas about quality healthcare for every citizen…unless he was actually that dead scuba diver they found in the tree…

Number 3: Mikey from those Life commercials would have died from mixing pop rocks and coke if Obama’s plan had existed in the 80’s

Remember Mikey? Remember how we all thought he was dead? Well he isn’t, but he would be under Obamacare. It turns out that Obama’s proposal doesn’t cover child stars or people who mix random forms of ultra-sugary processed foods. This also means that Obama’s plan could have wiped out a whole era of must-see TV involving child actors…boys would never have had the opportunity to argue over whether Blair or Joe was hotter on “The Facts Of Life”, as they would have both bought the farm after being refused treatment for downing a box of Twinkies with a case of Yoo-hoo.

Choose Life...

Number 2:Obama will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” Vulcan ritual to determine who will get medical care

Death panels? Oh you’ll wish you had a death panel. Since Obama is actually a Vulcan, he will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” fight to the death in order to determine who gets medical care…and since you don’t have half the stones that Captain James T  has,  you are pretty much SOL. Even if you do win by fluke, don’t expect to reap the benefits of the Pon Far vulcan mating ritual…Obama is just focusing on the duel part.

We suggest you start practicing with some ridiculously cumbersome weapons immediately:

Number 1: Obama is not actually American, is probably a Freemason, and may have been the person responsible for the cancellation of Arrested Development.

You know that Barack Obama and his other German friends ”secret-handshaked” their way to citizenship and the White House through their affiliation with the Freemasons. No one that calm and reasonable and so bereft of John Waynesque mannerisms could ever have been so successful otherwise . If you spell “Change” backwards, it spells “Egnahc”. Enough said.

But did you know that Obama singlehandedly cancelled Arrested Development, the best show on TV ever? And did you know that it was because his half brother, Jason Bateman, was about to speak out about Obama’s plan to replace the nations registered nurses with trained Alpacas from South America? We didn’t think so.

Just five reasons to reject Obamacare. No thanks necessary.