When a prominent figure is involved in a public sex scandal, it can instantly destroy a reputation that’s taken years to build. Think Eliot Spitzer. Think Senator Larry Craig. Think John Edwards. And most of all, think former President Bill Clinton.

Now that David Letterman has revealed that he had multiple affairs with show staffers over a 20 year period, how is he punished? Why, with his highest ratings in years, of course – so high that on one October evening, his 11:30 pm show had a bigger audience than every single one of NBCs primetime programs.

So how did Dave the Dude survive relatively unscathed while Bill the Boner was forced to hang his head in shame? We’ve got the answers. Sorry Dave, its not a top ten list but a top five will get the job done.

Drum roll please

5. The TV Mea Culpa

After dropping off the $2 million dollar check to the alleged extortionist (by the way, what blackmailer accepts checks?), Letterman immediately addressed the issue on his show that night. He was honest, forthright, admitted to doing some creepy things and apologized for his behavior. Watch it here:

Bill Clinton, after first denying the Monica Lewinsky rumors (yes, he said, on national TV, I did not have sexual relations with that woman), ended up having to give legal testimony on just what he actually did have with that woman. This prompted the now-infamous Clinton query on what the meaning of is is. Watch it here:

4. The Humiliated Wife

Letterman, by quickly and cleanly admitting the affair on national TV and then, the following week, by publicly apologizing to his wife (after she waterboarded him the entire weekend, no doubt) did about as much as anyone could after turning their marriage into a national embarrassment.

Bill, on the other hand, tried to throw the fastball past Hillary. He made her believe Monica was a poor deluded beret-wearing buffoon and that, again, he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Armed with the certainty of her husbands innocence, poor deluded Hillary went on The Today Show to blame Monicagate on the vast right-wing conspiracy. Yes, it turns out you can be right and absolutely wrong at the same time!

See a Sean Hannity-ized excerpt of the video here:

3. The (Alleged!) Blackmailers

Letterman’s woes were caused by one bitter and supposedly-broke man whose current live-in was rumored to be one of Daves staff conquests.

Clintons woes were caused by (in addition to Bills penis) a Republican attack-dog machine that began operation shortly after Clinton took office when a special prosecutor was named to investigate the pathetic Whitewater land deal (Wow! A scandal where the alleged perpetrator LOST money!).

Somewhere along the way, the first special prosecutor was replaced by Mr. Polly Prissypants himself, Kenneth Starr, who decided to spend millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars to investigate every single possible thing about Bill Clinton and came up empty-handed, until God gave him (and Bill) the gift of Monica Lewinsky.

Of course, if one wanted to be a real vast right-wing conspiracy nut, you could think, HmmmLetterman bashed Bush for years. HmmmLetterman gave Obama a whole hour of air time. HmmmLettermans (ALLEGED!!!) blackmailers last name was HaldermanJUST ONE LETTER AWAY from the last name of Richard Nixon’s right-hand man, Bob Haldeman!

We smell a Keith Olbermann special comment coming on

2. Their Number Two(s)

How can you really tell if someone can survive a scandal without a scratch? Just take a look at what his number two has to say about it. Are they running for cover or sticking their neck out?

Now some people might think of Paul Schaeffer as Lettermans #2. We don’t agree. A real number two is someone who could potentially be #1 so that honor would have to go to Craig Ferguson, the man who hosts the late night talkfest immediately after Dave’s. Letterman hired him and his company produces his show.

Ferguson could have said nothing and waited to see which way the wind blew. Instead, he immediately rushed to a public defense of the bossman:

Contrast that with Bill Clintons #2, Al Gore, who ran for president in the wake of the still-reverberating Monicagate scandal.

During his campaign, Al avoided invoking Clinton’s name like the plague, acting like the President who had presided over one of the best economic stretches in American history was some kind of disease-ridden scumbucket that needed to be kept away in a special locked and preferably boarded-up ward room. Like in that creepy place where Gotham City has all the insane villains put away until the next Batman movie.

And, to top it off, after Gore lost to George W. Bush, a person who was arguably the biggest idiot ever to hold the highest office in the land, Clinton asked his former VP why he didnt let him at least campaign for him in Arkansas, where he was still popular. Oh, that discussion went well… it ended in a screaming match, according to a new book, The Clinton Tapes, by historian Taylor Branch.

To sum up, Ferguson: Letterman’s a great guy! Gore: Bill who?

1. Cigars

The devil, as they say, is in the details. And, in our mind, it all comes down to what Wikipedia refers to as a “tightly rolled bundle of dried and fermented tobacco”.

David Letterman was long known as a cigar aficionado – until his bypass surgery, anyway. Many of his publicity photos used to feature him puffing away on a big one. But Letterman had the good taste to, as far as we know, only put the cigars in his mouth.

Clinton, however, he…well…ah…he and Monica…well, they…um…the cigar…er

If you dont know, find a used copy of The Starr Report. Its got twice the impact of a Letter to Penthouse, because it actually happened.

Of course, we still don’t know all the grisly details of what happened between Letterman and his female staffers, but until we hear of a Stupid Human Trick that trumps the sex toy stogie, we’ll have to declare Dave the winner and champion of the Sex Scandal Survival Sweepstakes.

You see them everywhere. You spend equal amounts of time scouring the headlines looking for them as you do loathing their appearance in the news. You find yourself thinking more about them than close relatives. We are collectively going off the rails, and it is because of our dysfunctional relationships with certain ex-celebrities, never-were-celebrities and ex-politicians who’s fifteen minutes of fame have lasted an eternity.

People who won’t go away come in two flavors: The people who won’t let go, choosing to remain in the spotlight through any means at their disposal, and the people we won’t let go, because we have entered into a dependent pathological-culture-wide addiction to their various hodge-podge of idiosyncracies.

We need to break the habit, and we can’t consult Dr Phil cause he’s one of ‘em,  To help you to know the enemy, here are the top 10 people that just won’t go away.

Number 10: Dick Cheney

America is safer with me on the talk show circuit...

All of the sudden, the quiet architect of W’s presidency is all about defending the administration’s legacy…and he is chatty as hell… Going anywhere he can find a microphone, talking about how the world is unsafe in Pax Obama. The truth is we aren’t sure, but we kinda just need this guy to just go away for a while. W took the hint, he is off  towel-snapping and guying around with his secret service detail in seclusion on the ranch in Crawford.

Number 9: People Who Were Once On Survivor

Visions of my naked ass will haunt you for the rest of your days...

We just can’t get enough of reality TV, where normal people with limited talent are thrust into humiliating social experiments for our viewing pleasure…it is the modern equivalent of gladiatorial combat and someone’s dignity is guaranteed to be slain weekly.

From the painful mental image of Richard Hatch’s naked ass in the original season to the ongoing stories of his tax problems…the only way to rid ourselves of these celeb survivors is reunite them for Survivor: Hungry Shark Tank.

Number 8: Rick Astley

Just when you think Rick Astley is gone, a seemingly innocent piece of email comes across your desk with a Youtube link. Suddenly, you are watching the music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up”. You have been Rick-rolled.

When your name becomes a verb, you know that you are firmly embedded in the popular culture. Are we ever going to give Rick up?

Number 7: Bill Clinton

I will hang around forever, and each time you hear me speak I will sound more and more like a grumpy old man...

Just when you think that you have escaped talk of  “Whitewatergate” and his “distinguishing characteristic“, out pops Bill Clinton on the national political scene, a little older, a little grumpier but ready to stump for anyone who will give him a podium. His efforts with the Obama campaign probably helped him land his new role as UN Envoy to Haiti. Long story short: he isn’t going away soon.

Number 6: David Hasselhoff

Ex-Knight Rider, Baywatch star and international pop sensation David Hasselhoff remains in our collective subconscious simply because we have never been able to fully digest his brand of cheesy. He has acquired a sort of cult following on the internet because of this culture wide case of celebrity indigestion.

Prediction: Hasselhoff becomes a bona fide star again by taking a page out of William Shatner’s self-deprecating humor playbook. In short, “The Hoff” isn’t going away soon.

Number 5: Paris Hilton

Meets all the criteria of being a talentless celebrity

Non-celebrity celebrity checklist:

Iconic or powerful parents: check
Rehearsed red carpet pose: check
Sex tape: check
No distinguishable talent: check

Number 4: Gene Simmons

Blood-spitting, tongue wagging, demon of a self-promoter...

A key member of the biggest sellout band of all time, it is no wonder that Gene has continued to promote his icky self in any way possible. At least we have been spared the sex tape you say? Not so fast

Number 3: Sarah Palin and her family

Get used to these faces...

A role model for geographically challenged Presidential hopefuls, Sarah Palin burst on to the national political scene tall on spunk and family values, short on in-depth understanding of the issues.

Add a Beverly Hillbilly-esque shopping spree on the GOP dime and a daughter that done got knocked up out of wedlock (so much for family values) and you have the recipe for our perverse fascination.

Number 2: Octomom

Octomom: has her tentacles wrapped around all of us...

We love to beat on seemingly bad moms, and though Octomom may not be an intentionally “bad” mother, there are definitely signs that she does not exercise the best judgement. One sign might be that she added to her existing brood of 6 with another litter of 8 with no means to support them. Also, her mother says that she is a few cards short of a deck. The logical next step for her? Reality TV. She has purportedly been in discussions to launch a reality show in the UK.

Number 1: Joe The Plumber

Joe: kindly remit every minute of fame you have had beyond 15...

Joe the plumber emerged from obscurity as more of a concept than an actual person. Once we actually got to know Joe (aka Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher), his appeal as the symbolic everyman began to fade. His efforts to remain in the limelight by becoming a short lived war correspondent in Israel for Pajamas Media were ever more tiresome. Now, he has us hooked because we don’t know what he’ll do next. If only he would have just kept unclogging drains, the world would have been spared an unhealthy addiction to Joe’s comings and goings.

What do you think? Please verbally abuse us in the comments and/or pick your number 1 in the poll below.

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1: The process of keeping your Presidency clean by distancing it from anything Bill Clinton, this can be done by either not associating with Clintons, or by putting conditions on said association SEE CONDITIONS ON CLINTON HERE AND HERE