Washington, D.C. – In his weekly radio and internet address, President Obama has weakly warned that if congress fails to pass strong and substantial financial reform America would be priming itself for a repeat of its current financial crisis.

The president’s half-hearted plea for some kind, any kind of reform comes just as debates gear up on the hill in regards to this reform bill that the president hopes to have signed by the end of the year, or, you know, whenever it’s ready, because, as the president stated during his radio address, “just, you know, take your time…but we need it kind of soon.”

A proposal by senate democrats would, for the first time, allow for the regulation of derivatives, assets that can produce steep losses, or huge profits, if the value of their underlying asset sinks – and one of the central financial assets that were said to be the cause of the collapse.  “These derivatives are bad, and I ask congress to move quickly, but not too quickly, to regulate these toxic assets, only if they have the time and are feeling up to it,” said President Obama.

Showing a remarkable amount of spine, on Friday President Obama stated that he would veto any bill that did not regulate derivatives, also adding that he may sign said hypothetical bill in to law anyway as to not cause “too much of a hassle.”

Towards the end of his radio and internet address President Obama’s voice crawled to a low, breathy whisper, occasionally broken by a throat clearing and a temporary spike in volume before eventually petering out in to a mumble: “These regulations need to be enacted as to mmm-mmm-mmm-bah-sim-bah-bah…AHEM…to protect out citze—mmm-bah.”

PRAGUE – After a long negotiation session with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, President Obama has brokered an historic arms treaty that will see both the United States and Russia pare down their nuclear stockpiles, bringing the official number of weapons held by either side down from a “Shitload” to a “Asston.”

Speaking with the press during the announcement of the deal, President Obama spoke on the historic importance of the treaty: “Since the end of the Cold War, both the United States and Russia have worked feverishly to reach an agreement on limiting the number of nuclear weapons in our position – from an amount that can thoroughly destroy our planet and everything on it thousands of times over, to an amount that can thoroughly destroy our planet and everything on it only hundreds of times over. Today, we have finally achieved that goal.”

The treaty stipulates that both Russian and the United States are to dismantle 30 percent of their nuclear stock piles —  about 1,500 nuclear warheads each — thereby, canceling out the world wide fear of a mega-nuclear war resulting in the complete annihilation of most of the human race; and replacing it with the fear of super-nuclear war where the few thousand humans still alive must roam the scorched wastelands of Earth fearing radiation poisoning and, of course, hoards of bloodthirsty cannibals.

“There was much discussion as to the exact amount of weapons we were comfortable with dismantling,” said President Medvedev, “There was some talk of a Fuckton, and we even went as far as to discuss the potential of getting rid of One Hell Of A Lot. In the end, we settled on Shitload because we both felt it would be irresponsible for us to lose the ability to utterly destroy ourselves and every other landmass on Earth.”

Ever since ESL drop-out George W. Bush left office, the American people have had the luxury of listening to speeches that don’t include embarrassing misnomers and cringe-worthy faux-pas. But it’s not enough for the erudite Obama to be a Harvard graduate, a lawyer, a senator, the first black president and now a Nobel Peace Prize winner, he’s also annoyingly awesome in many other ways.

We’ve all encountered overachievers in life, and their blasé, Oh-yeah-I-climbed-Everest-in-‘96 attitude gets old quick. These are the types of people who have to be awesome even when they’re helping someone in need. You can’t even be a victim anymore – they’ll overshadow you while you’re breathless and bleeding on the sidewalk. “Yeah, it’s funny, I was on my way to my volunteer work when you fell out of that building and I caught you in my right hand while texting President Medvedev with my left. Pretty convenient how that worked out.” Yeah. Very.

Our president is one of these people. Let’s check out five of his talents that pluck him from the likes of us commoners, and place him gently amidst the awesome.

Number 5:He’s Urdulicious

The President is a voracious reader of texts in the English language, but long ago he moved on to other tongues and different alphabets. Obama was quoted in June as saying, “I have a great affinity for Pakistani culture and the great Urdu poets.” Oh really. And he’s not even pulling a Palin by generically citing “the great Urdu poets” like when Sarah answered “all of them” during the infamous magazine interrogation. That was just him being modest. Had he been asked which poet he specifically favored, he’d probably rattle off the names of three he couldn’t choose between, make a clever but brilliant joke, and that would be that. Of course he’s probably been reading American translations of Urdu, but for the purposes of this list, he’s a damn Urdu expert.

Need this translated? Call the White House...

Number 4: He’s an Android

There are some people who make the same “cheese” face whenever someone whips out a camera. They instantly transform into this photogenic machine as they tilt their head for maximum light absorption without too many shadows, accentuate their best side and show just enough teeth not too look like Jaws from “The Spy Who Loved Me”. So guess who’s got this photo-oppy talent down pat? Good old Barack Obama. The thing is, he got a little too good at this. Not only did he perfect the pose, he also can’t move out of it. Yep, the whole time the camera is on him, Obama is a frozen-in-time, wax-figure-lookin’ statue! Check out this video and see for yourself:

Barack Obama’s amazingly consistent smile from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Number 3: He’s a Grammy Winner

Okay, so he’s one part Urdu-reading smarty-pants, one part perfect for the camera…now what? Apparently he’s also a rock star. You may not know that Obama has won not one, but two Grammies for the audio versions of his books “Dreams From My Father” and “The Audacity of Hope”. Sure, it’s not Record of the Year, but still. On some mantel in the White House there is a statue, it is shaped like a record player, and it has the words “Grammy” and “Obama” on it. So, it counts.

Honey, can you please put this between my Harvard degree and Nobel Prize?

Number 2: He Can Bench 200 Pounds

Yeah, so the guy is a smart, charismatic rock star. But does he have to be strong, too? As if his intelligence and achievements won’t make you feel inadequate enough, he could bench press you and the bag of chips you’re eating right now and your cat and his two Grammies! Where does this man get the time to read, write, pose and push it out? Oh and we almost forgot, he has a mean point shot to go with that pectoral prowess. Obama 3, our egos 0:

Number 1: He’s Brad Pitt’s Cousin

Well, sort of. He’s actually his ninth cousin – close enough. This is not really a talent per se, but regardless, the following words are true: Barack Obama is Brad Pitt’s cousin.

It must have really sucked for the dudes in the late 80’s who were vying for Michelle’s attention just before Barack snagged her.

“Oh, did you hear? That smart chick you like is dating Brad Pitt’s cousin.”
“Damn it!”
“Yeah, he’s been taking her to Spike Lee movies and reading her Urdu love poetry afterwards.”
“Aw man, I didn’t even stand a chance!”
“His name’s Hussein or something.”
“Oh God. I gotta go.”

Lucky for America (or unlucky, as the case may be), the big steaming pile of crap that is the aggregate of our proposed health care reform, economy, and two wars abroad is keeping our president pretty busy, with less time to be awesome. But on the occasions that front page articles detail threats about lunatics with nuclear missiles, it’s nice to have an overachiever for a Prez. It’s all right if he makes most of his constituents look bad – at least the guy in charge is one well rounded S.O.B. You never know when that Urdu is gonna come in handy. He’s like the MacGyver of politics. Let’s hope he can fashion world peace out of a tiny gramophone and his immobile smile.