BIZARRO WASHINGTON, DC – Congressman Eric Massa (D-ANY) was treated for minor injuries today after the father of a young female staffer attacked him outside his office, screaming “Does that tickle, motherf***er?”

Witnesses say the scuffle didn’t last long, as Capitol Police descended almost immediately to break up the fight. The unidentified man’s daughter has accused the New York Congressman of sexual harassment and assault.

This incident follows a week of shocking developments in Normal Universe Washington, DC, where Rep. Eric Massa has resigned amid charges of inappropriate conduct with male staffers, and gone on a freewheeling, laughter-inducing media tour. He began by claiming he was resigning due to his health, then copped to an ethics investigation regarding inappropriate comments made to a staffer. As the story unfolded, however, the allegations against Massa grew to include physical harassment. Massa offered a series of increasingly bizarre explanations for his behavior, including his assertion that “tickle-fights” are the standard activity for a 50th birthday.

In an interview with Larry King, Normal Universe Massa also refused to answer whether he was gay, telling King to ask his old Navy comrades. When one reporter did exactly that, it emerged that Massa allegedly tried to sexually assault a sleeping sailor.

Members of the Bizarro Universe media are incredulous at how the Normal Universe media have covered the Massa story, as an endlessly amusing train wreck. One Bizarro Universe network source tells B.U. Apoliticus, “There’s not much difference in these two stories, just that here, the victims were women, yet they treat this like it’s a big joke. Our Glenn Beck wouldn’t even take this scumbag’s phone call.”

“Here you have a guy,” he continued, “who’s accused of abusing his authority in order to sexually bully his subordinates, first in the Navy, then in Congress, a predator, and he tries to laugh it all off. I don’t know what universe you’re living in, but in this universe, Eric Massa is nothing but a f***ing pig.”

Author’s note: This story was filed by Bizarro Universe Tommy Christopher, who has a goatee and walks around dressed like Mr. Spock for some reason. Despite what the new Star Trek would have you believe, it is very important that we not meet.

Number 5: Kevin Smith

Don't shake that hand...

Stoners of the world unite! We think that Silent Bob’s silence should end. Smith has entertained throngs of Gen X moviegoers since his writing and acting debut in 1994, and now, because of his row with Southwest Airlines (due to portliness, and aircraft seating that couldn’t comfortably accommodate a squirrel), we think he has found his political cause célèbre: social justice for the chubby. He has already shown the ability to use social media (Twitter) to raise awareness of the issue, and we know that the web was a key weapon in the spammer in chiefs arsenal when he defeated maverick McCain and that second grader he ran with. Just don’t shake his hand when he’s stumping. He could stink palm you.

Number 4: Courtney Love

If there’s one thing that separates the United States from all the other countries, it’s that we glorify train wrecks. In fact, freedom to be fascinated with train wrecks is part of the US constitution, right before the section covering the freedom to listen to Lady Gaga and just after the section that deals with the right to secretly lust for Ann Coulter (note: calling into question the validity of the previous statement is unconstitutional)

Just picture it: you’re watching the State of the Union address. The camera pans over the attentive members of Congress – but who’s that in a revealing dress, splayed in her chair with bruises up her legs, seemingly half-drunk and psychotic? That’s right, It’s Nancy Pelosi. Courtney Love would be sitting right beside her.

AKA Courtney Love Blvd...

Number 3: Dana Carvey

Here’s one comedian who’d be great in politics. Politicians are often portrayed as talking out of both sides of their mouth, and Dana’s got 1,000 voices to choose from. A boon to Republicans, Dana could offer the country some prudent conservative advice just by doing his George Bush Sr. impression. Need help passing a bill encouraging prayer in schools? Church Lady can assist. Should Arnold Schwarzenegger become unable to attend an important meeting, call on Hans, from Hans and Franz.



Number 2: Steven Seagal

It’s hard to be cool like Steven Seagal, the only people who come close have names that begin with hassle and end with hoff.

Seagal is not just an arm-breaking Aikido master, he also happens to work with PETA…did we also mention that he is above the law? Well he is. Don’t ask again.

Actually these days Steven is the law and is featured on the A&E show “Steven Seagal: Lawman” which documents Steven’s foray into Louisiana law enforcement.  So what is The logical next step? Lawmaker.

Imagine President Seagal’s response to the Joe Wilson “You Lie!’ incident. Now imagine a man being turned into a pretzel. Note how you are imagining the same thing in both instances.

Seagal’s first order of business? Outlawing all exaggerated comments about Chuck Norris. Because we all know that Steven Seagal can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you spell Steven Seagal in Scrabble, you win. Forever

Number 1: Tiger Woods

Tiger already seems to be following the William Jefferson Clinton smarmy politician checklist. Let’s review: 1. Charisma? Check. 2. Ability to lie? Yup. 3. Sex scandal? And then some. 4. Barely believable public apology? Done!

The difference is Tiger’s sex scandals have involved women who were, how do we put this delicately, slightly more attractive than Monica Lewinsky. He also is a much better golfer than Clinton, so much like the press was always enamored with JFK’s golf game, Tiger will spend more time talking how he got a hole-in-one rather than one in the…well you get it.

How will he handle the actual political side? Easy. His new caddie/wingman, Bill M*therf#$%in Clinton: “Tiger, let’s take a 7 iron and crank Ken Starr right off the noggin”.

WASHINGTON, DC – ABC News’ “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” has been without a permanent host since Stephanopolous’ ascension to “Good Morning America” in December. The search for a new host has focused mainly on Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper, and “Nightline” co-anchor Terry Moran.

Many media observers have wondered why ABC is taking so long to name a new “This Week” host, instead relying on a rotation of guest hosts. They question the wisdom of delaying the eventual host’s chance to build an audience, and the drawing power of the guest hosts. Upcoming fill-ins include Australian sensation Yahoo Serious and former American Idol contestant Corey Clark, whom Stephanopoulos says are “also worthy candidates.”

Unfortunately, the end is nowhere in sight. Apoliticus has learned that ABC News is considering scrapping their current search. According to an internal memo we’ve obtained, the network is considering a laundry list of new selection processes. Some excerpts:

Bum Racing – Kudos to Charlie Gibson for this idea. We pin the name of each candidate to a corresponding bum, and have them do a 2k race. Winner gets a box lunch. It’s simple and cost-effective.

Flash Mobs – One solution would be not to have a permanent host, but rather, to organize weekly flash mobs to host the show. The drawback is that they can seem rehearsed, but they are attention-getting, and work fairly cheaply.

Ninja Training Academy – This has long been the method of choice for sitcom producers to find new on-air talent. Some have pointed out that the show is already crawling with ninjas, but since none of them have stepped up yet, this remains a viable option.

Pon Farr – We’ve got Legal working out the details, but George is on board with this one. Two challengers fight to the death using a variety of weapons, surrounded by colorfully costumed men with giant tambourines. The visuals really pop, and it would make a great prime-time special for sweeps.I know a lot of you liked Jake’s idea of a “Running Man” contest, but there’s no point in doing that without Richard Dawson, and he won’t do it because he thinks he should be the new host.

“Lost” Ending – I got this idea from Damon over drinks last night. We do a show where it turns out the whole thing was a dream, and George is still the host.

When shown the memo, Jake Tapper reportedly said “I can take Moran in Pon Farr. He can’t hold his plomeek soup.”