Number 10: Pope Alexander VI, Rome, 1492

You’re probably familiar with the Borjia family, notorious for their various thefts, rapes, and poisonings in the 15th century. Well, Pope Alexander VI is the man who started the family on their track to infamy: his name before sticking on the big white hat was Rodrigo Borjia, and he was the thievingest, rapingest, poisoningest Borjia of the lot. Thanks to being the nephew of Pope Calixtus III, he zoomed up the Church ranks and, in 1492, was elected Pope – a decision that had less to do with Borjia’s Godly bearing and more to do with the fact he bribed his rivals out of the race with four mule-loads of silver.

From this seat of power, he had several bastard children, imprisoned and murdered a number of wealthy families (stealing their money and land in the process), ordered instant execution for anyone opposing the Borjia family and generally behaved like a massive prick. The only good thing to come from his reign was his own agonizing death, during which his bowels liquefied and his skin peeled off thanks to – yes, you guessed it – accidentally drinking his own poisoned wine.

"Yes, this one. Medium rare, please."

Number 9: John Quincy Adams, USA, 1824

A lot of Democrats were pissed in 2000, when Dubya became president despite having less than 48% of the popular vote, especially when it turned out he couldn’t even play the sax. But that’s nothing compared to John Quincy Adams who, despite his fancy three names, became president with only 30.5% of the popular vote. In the strange election year that followed the collapse of the First Party System, none of the candidates -which included later president Andrew Jackson – could muster the required majority to convincingly take their place on the podium. Since this was 1824, a Freestyle Battle was sadly out of the question, and, for the first and only time since the ratification of the Twelfth Amendment, the House of Representatives decided on the winner, going with Adams and giving a huge middle finger to all of Jackson’s supporters. Still, if most of the voters weren’t happy about the decision, at least Adams was delighted!

Presidential victory party in full swing.

Number 8: Ulysses S. Grant, USA, 1872

It’s fair to say that Ulysses S. Grant was not a popular president. No one expected the Republican incumbent to be re-elected, but then, they weren’t figuring on a splinter group, ‘The Liberal Republican Party’, turning that year’s election into a circus. With their nomination, Horace Greeley – then-editor of the New York tribune – often publicly mocked for both his ideals and his appearance, things didn’t go too well for this new party, especially since Greeley’s running mate, Benjamin Gratz Brown, was so drunk through most of the campaign that he was spotted at a fund-raising picnic trying to butter a watermelon. And when we say, ‘things didn’t go too well’, we mean, ‘Greeley didn’t actually survive until the electoral votes were cast’. Grant, facing competition from just a handful of no-hopers and a dead guy, romped away with the win.

Ulysses S. Grant: soldier; politician; menswear catalog model.

Number 7: Cacareco, Brazil, 1958

In the city of Sao Paulo, Brazil, the local council elections for 1958 were viewed by many with distrust, due to years of corruption, ineptitude and arrogance on the part of a government that had failed to recognize the needs of its people. So when a new candidate – the heroic Cacareco – came along, the public united and Cacareco was elected to the top spot, beating 539 other candidates in the process. Sounds like a sensible move, right? Wait… did we mention that Cacareco was a rhinoceros? Yes, a five-year old female rhino beat all the human candidates hands (hooves?) down, despite her name literally translating as ‘piece of junk’ in Portuguese. As one angry voter said afterward, ‘Better to elect a rhino than an ass‘.

"I pledge a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot, and a filthy, reeking bog in every salad bar!"

Number 6: Screaming Lord Sutch, Britain, 1983

You can probably guess that Screaming Lord Sutch didn’t take politics terribly seriously from the name of the party he founded in 1983: The Monster Raving Loony Party. You can probably also guess that the majority of his policies were fucking stupid. Started as a satirical dig at Britain’s mainstream political parties, the MRLP nevertheless went on to a considerable level of success, at one point holding 16 council seats across Britain in the early 90s. They even, despite their propensity for dressing like  pedophiles infiltrating a Saturday morning kids’ show, managed to pass some of their less dumb policies into law, most famously bringing the voting age down to 18.

Pictured: an actual viable alternative to the British government

Number 5: Janusz Rewinski, Poland, 1991

Not content with the way Polish politics were shaping up after the fall of Communism, satirist Janusz Rewinski started the Polish Beer-Lovers’ Party (which, in our minds, looked like this). They soon won support from the public with their rallying cry, ‘It wouldn’t be better, but for sure it would be funnier!’ which captured both the Polish people’s sense of humor and their love of grammatically inaccurate sloganeering. Running on an anti-alcoholism platform that encouraged people to, ’switch from vodka to beer’, the party actually won 16 seats in the Sejm and, in yet another tragic case of beer ruining a promising start, eventually became a serious political party.

This is what comedy looks like in Poland.

Number 4: Pretty much anybody, Somalia, 1991

In a country where the official political status is, ‘anarchy’, any election result is virtually meaningless. Since 1991, with militant Islamic groups fighting for control of the land and large bands of heavily-armed pirates patrolling the seas, the country has been in a state of constant upheaval. With a multitude of political parties all uselessly running on the vague platform of, ‘We’re just going to kill the other guys, we hadn’t really thought much past that, to be honest’, no change has so far been effected: last year, elections took place in a different country, and the only prerequisite for running for president was a $2,000 application fee.

From L-R: Minister for Guns; Minister for Guns; Minister for Guns; Minister for Agriculture, Exports and Guns.

Number 3: Jacob Haugaard, Denmark, 1994

Much like Britain’s Monster Raving Loony Party, Haugaard’s party – The Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements – was started as a joke. This joke backfired on the Danish comedian somewhat in 1994 when he received 23,253 votes and found himself with a seat in parliament. Despite winning his seat after a campaign that promised things like ‘better Christmas presents’ and ‘less sex in school staff rooms’, he took the job seriously and gratefully retired four years later, having learned that it’s much easier to make fun of politicians when you’re not one of them.

"This election year, I pledge to just keep my big mouth shut."

Number 2: Dustin the Turkey, Ireland, 1997

If there’s one thing that can be said for Cacareco, at least she was a real rhino: Dustin the Turkey was a kids’ TV puppet. Still, as the relationship between Tony Blair and George Bush showed us, having someone’s hand lodged firmly up your backside is no deterrent in the world of politics: during the Republic of Ireland’s 1997 presidential election, thousands of voters went with Dustin, despite him never being declared an official candidate (and despite looking exactly like British politician Michael Heseltine). Rumors persist to this day that he came in ahead of  Derek Nally, so obviously he’s got something going for him.

Just your average Irish politician.

Number 1: Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, 2003

If this the fact that Arnie is the governor of California seems normal to you by now, do us a quick favor: go and splash some cold water in your face, have a strong coffee and then, after a moment’s reflection, let out a 10-minute long scream of confusion and despair that this man is in charge of a whole state. In fairness to the big man, it’s hardly unusual for someone who’s mostly famous for being able to remember lines of dialogue in the correct order to become a successful politician, but this video does rather put it in perspective.

"And I urge all my fellow Republicans to GET TO DAH CHOPPAAHHHH!"

Number 10: The NEE Party (Belgium)

In Belgium, voting is not a privilege, but rather a requirement. The NEE Party gives those who have no viable candidate to vote for the opportunity to cast a ballot for “no one” – as nee is Dutch for “no”. NEE’s curvaceous Senatorial candidate Tania Derveaux posed nude in a campaign poster promising the creation of 40,000 jobs. Turns out Tania’s supporters preferred a different favor, and the poster was changed to promising “40,000 blowjobs” instead.

Number 9: Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party (US)

Satanist Jonathon “the Impaler” Sharkey has run for President, Congress and Governor of Minnesota under his Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party. Sharkey stood for a few key issues coincident with that of many Democrats: bringing home the troops and prescription care for all. However, also wanted to completely repeal the 16th amendment, and “impale anyone found committing an act of terrorism in Minnesota”. After his attempts at public office, Sharkey was arrested several times for various offenses, including allegedly threatening a judge via email, writing, “I promise this Court while I am executing [Judge] Certo his family will violate one of the offenses punishable by death, and I will then execute his loved ones as punishment. From the youngerest (sic) to the oldest.”

Number 8: The Sex Party (Canada)

The Sex Party was founded in 2005 by Attorney John Ince with the intention of promoting “sex-positive” attitudes. Their slogan is, “Sex is good. Let’s make it better.” The Sex Party aims to revoke or repeal many sex-related laws currently on the books in Canada and institute some new ones, like providing sex toys to those in long-term care facilities and establishing a Sex Worker Empowerment Program.

For those who care more about "polling" than polls...

Number 7: The Work Less Party (Canada)

It’s tough to think up a more effective name than Canada’s “Work Less Party”. With the slogan, “Alarm clocks kill dreams”, this party is easy to like. The Work Less people believe that working less (32 hours as opposed to 40 per week) would not only improve the quality of one’s life, but would enable Canada to consume less, therefore saving valuable resources. In addition, the Work Less clan claims that fewer work hours will strengthen families and communities, increase minimum wage, and promote cultural activities.

Where do we sign up?

Number 6: The Guns and Dope Party (U.S.)

The Guns and Dope Party asserts that minority groups of “gun lovers” and “drug lovers” should join forces, becoming a powerful majority to fight what they consider the current “tsarist takeover”. G&D’s legend states that God spoke to the party’s philosophical adviser Robert Anton Wilson through an ostrich named Olga. The Guns and Dope people implore you to, “Like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, don’t be afraid to make slurping sounds, and don’t take crap from anybody.”

You over there...get guns and dope, form a political party. Do it now.

Number 5: The Charity, Freedom and Diversity Party (Netherlands)

Charity! Freedom! Diversity! Sounds great, doesn’t it? Before you sign up, you may want to learn a little more about this party. The Charity, Freedom and Diversity Party was actually created by pedophiles who wish to have the age of sexual consent lowered from age 16 to 12. The C.F.P hasn’t been officially been approved…yet. Interested members will have to cool their jets until the party is legal, but they’re probably used to that.

Watch out!

Number 4: Double-tailed Dog Party (Hungary)

The Double-tailed Dog Party is a joke party from Hungary. Their only member is fictional István Nagy the Two-Tailed Dog, who excels at making empty, but very extravagant campaign promises. István promises voters eternal life, world peace, one workday per week, two sunsets per day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes. These days the Double-tailed Dog Party focuses mostly on Zen-style street art with phrases such as, “Danger! This sign might waste precious seconds of your time. Please, go away!” and “Signs lie”.

Number 3: The Anarchist Pogo Party (Germany)

This Punk Rock-inspired organization formed in 1981 aims to bring a little chaos to German government. The Pogos promote ideas such as: youth pensions instead of retirement pensions, the abolishment of compulsory education, “fuckpooling centers”, abolition of police, and the legalization of all drugs. To promote the party, one can purchase shirts with snappy sayings such as, “Work is shit!” and “Stupid and happy!”

Number 2: The New Millennium Bean Party (UK)

Barry Kirk, a.k.a. “Captain Beany”, is a peculiar, bean-obsessed man who began the single-member New Millennium Bean Party in 2000. The New Millennium’s manifesto included proposals such as, “Prince William to be given a bachelor flat in Cardiff Castle so he can date Charlotte Church”, “All tattoos to be bilingual” and “Children to choose their parents”. Sadly, Beany didn’t win any elections despite his best efforts, and the party is now defunct.

Number 1: The Miss Great Britain Party (UK)

Founded in 2008, the Miss Great Britain Party was created under the guise of giving voters a fourth alternative to the three major parties of Britain. One of the platforms of the Party was, “Compulsory health and beauty education to improve the looks of Britons.” Sadly, the women of the Miss Great Britain Party enjoyed a very short-lived political life, as it the party lasted only until 2009.

Will the Guns and Dope Party steal the 2012 presidential election? Will Vampires, Witches and Pagans overrun Congress in the next midterms? Did this article make you consider changing your affiliation? The next time someone asks you, “What are you registered?” will you answer, “Guns and Dope, of course!

Number 5: Kevin Smith

Don't shake that hand...

Stoners of the world unite! We think that Silent Bob’s silence should end. Smith has entertained throngs of Gen X moviegoers since his writing and acting debut in 1994, and now, because of his row with Southwest Airlines (due to portliness, and aircraft seating that couldn’t comfortably accommodate a squirrel), we think he has found his political cause célèbre: social justice for the chubby. He has already shown the ability to use social media (Twitter) to raise awareness of the issue, and we know that the web was a key weapon in the spammer in chiefs arsenal when he defeated maverick McCain and that second grader he ran with. Just don’t shake his hand when he’s stumping. He could stink palm you.

Number 4: Courtney Love

If there’s one thing that separates the United States from all the other countries, it’s that we glorify train wrecks. In fact, freedom to be fascinated with train wrecks is part of the US constitution, right before the section covering the freedom to listen to Lady Gaga and just after the section that deals with the right to secretly lust for Ann Coulter (note: calling into question the validity of the previous statement is unconstitutional)

Just picture it: you’re watching the State of the Union address. The camera pans over the attentive members of Congress – but who’s that in a revealing dress, splayed in her chair with bruises up her legs, seemingly half-drunk and psychotic? That’s right, It’s Nancy Pelosi. Courtney Love would be sitting right beside her.

AKA Courtney Love Blvd...

Number 3: Dana Carvey

Here’s one comedian who’d be great in politics. Politicians are often portrayed as talking out of both sides of their mouth, and Dana’s got 1,000 voices to choose from. A boon to Republicans, Dana could offer the country some prudent conservative advice just by doing his George Bush Sr. impression. Need help passing a bill encouraging prayer in schools? Church Lady can assist. Should Arnold Schwarzenegger become unable to attend an important meeting, call on Hans, from Hans and Franz.



Number 2: Steven Seagal

It’s hard to be cool like Steven Seagal, the only people who come close have names that begin with hassle and end with hoff.

Seagal is not just an arm-breaking Aikido master, he also happens to work with PETA…did we also mention that he is above the law? Well he is. Don’t ask again.

Actually these days Steven is the law and is featured on the A&E show “Steven Seagal: Lawman” which documents Steven’s foray into Louisiana law enforcement.  So what is The logical next step? Lawmaker.

Imagine President Seagal’s response to the Joe Wilson “You Lie!’ incident. Now imagine a man being turned into a pretzel. Note how you are imagining the same thing in both instances.

Seagal’s first order of business? Outlawing all exaggerated comments about Chuck Norris. Because we all know that Steven Seagal can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you spell Steven Seagal in Scrabble, you win. Forever

Number 1: Tiger Woods

Tiger already seems to be following the William Jefferson Clinton smarmy politician checklist. Let’s review: 1. Charisma? Check. 2. Ability to lie? Yup. 3. Sex scandal? And then some. 4. Barely believable public apology? Done!

The difference is Tiger’s sex scandals have involved women who were, how do we put this delicately, slightly more attractive than Monica Lewinsky. He also is a much better golfer than Clinton, so much like the press was always enamored with JFK’s golf game, Tiger will spend more time talking how he got a hole-in-one rather than one in the…well you get it.

How will he handle the actual political side? Easy. His new caddie/wingman, Bill M*therf#$%in Clinton: “Tiger, let’s take a 7 iron and crank Ken Starr right off the noggin”.