Number 10:  Al Gore

It seems like we see more of Al Gore now than when he was Vice President.  One minute he’s all over NBC’s “Green Week”, and the next he’s traipsing around Copenhagen thinking he’s going to end global warming.  You may not realize this, but he’s actually part of a famewhoring team.  You may remember his wife, Tipper, caused quite a stir in music industry in the late 80’s when her group the Parental Music Resource Center (PMRC) pressured record companies to place those irritating “Parental Advisory” stickers on offensive albums.  So if you think about it, at least Al’s crusade doesn’t encourage your Mom to throw out all of your Wu-Tang CD’s.

One more inconvienient truth: He's not going away.

Number 9:   The “Birthers”

The group with a name that sounds like a trendy Lamaze school sure does love the limelight.  Their sacred quest to find a certified copy of President Obama’s birth certificate goes on – and has gotten this assembly of rabid fanatics a whole lot of attention.  But here’s hoping they change course,  get a little bit “TMZ” on the matter, and start searching for something far more interesting, like compromising photos of Obama and one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses.  It’s probably not out there, but it’s more entertaining than some boring birth certificate.

Number 8 & 7:  Rush Limbaugh & Al Sharpton (tie)

We’re going to tie these two together only because they joined famewhoring forces in October of ’09.  It all started when Rush wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams, so Al quickly penned a letter to the NFL commissioner, vehemently opposing any possibility of Limbaugh owning the team.  The next move was Rush’s, who spoke some allegedly slanderous words about Sharpton.  After that, Al threatened to sue Rush for defamation.  How did it end up?  Who even cares?  All we know is that the two of them enjoyed yet more unnecessary time in the spotlight.

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the Rams...

Number 6:  Joe Lieberman

He’s a Democrat who thought about changing his affiliation to Republican, but decided on becoming an Independent Democrat – whatever that is.  Joe’s pioneered many great techniques to keep the focus on himself – from threatening to thwart change with filibusters, to creating the longest sound bites ever by speaking in a low, droning monotone.  Maybe you used to think Connecticut was all about snobbish, wealthy preps, but Joe has taught us that the state’s gold coast can get a little feisty if need be.

Now that we know that: Joe, please go away.

Number 5: Dick Cheney

Who was hoping that Dick Cheney would disappear after Bush left office?  And by “disappear”, we admit we meant something a little sinister.  But alas, the Penguin-esque former Vice President has made a hobby out of publicly bashing the new President.  Part of the prototype in the typical famewhore model is being able to boldly show one’s face, in spite of one’s involvement in an embarrassing scandal or ordeal – and Cheney’s got dozens of those.  Most people wouldn’t even bother to show up at the family Christmas party after shooting their friend in the face.  Hats off to you, Mr. Cheney – you’ve got balls of steel.  But that still doesn’t mean we need to keep seeing you on Fox News every other day.

Because America always could use a bit more Dick, and we know of one Dick who wants to give more Dick, and that's Dick

Number 4:  Silvio Berlusconi

Thought the reality show “Jersey Shore” gave Italians a bad reputation?  Berlusconi makes more  material in a week than the Shore can produce in three seasons.  From allegedly having sex with a minor, to calling President Obama “young, handsome and tanned”, to dry humping a meter maid… he’s always getting in some kind of scandalous scrape.  This Gaffemaster certainly knows how to keep himself in the public eye.  But we’re kind of hoping he’ll stick around for a while – he’s sort of like an Italian version of Don Rickles.

Winner of Tropicana's "Best Tanned Douchebag" Award for 2009

Number 3: Mark Sanford

Mark Sanford takes the famewhore code to a whole new level.  Not only does he never fear his adversaries, but he also won’t let his own scandals die.  This is the only guy in the universe who will voluntarily bring up his indiscretions, even when the public has stopped talking about them.  After refusing to resign because of a sex scandal involving misused state funds, the temporary desertion of a government post, and an icky claim that he’d found his “soul mate” with someone who was not his wife, Mark has made South Carolina work for his reprimand – because resignation would have given him much less face time with his adoring fans and constituents.

Number 2: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

This guy gets around more than most celebrities shilling their new book or album.  He’s been on 60 Minutes, the NBC Nightly News, Charlie Rose, ABC’s This Week and many more.  Mahmoud should really make the most of these appearances and bring a copy of his latest ebook, “The Great Deception – Andy Samberg was Never Really on a Boat”. What’s next, a DNA test on The Maury Povitch Show?  “Mahmoud, you are producing nuclear weapons.”  Imagine the ratings boost The View will gain when Mahmoud shows up and Whoopi Goldberg tears him a new one.

And another thing...we condemn the infidels who created the new "Melrose Place"

Number 1: Sarah Palin

When it comes to blowhards, Sarah Palin blows.  Hard. It’s too bad her Tina Fey looks don’t seem to accompany some Tina Fey smarts – not to mention she’d really suck on 30 Rock.  Sarah “Barracuda” is the Queen of  famewhoring – which is a feat, considering the woman has never even read a magazine.  Here’s hoping Sarah’s future involves a public stockade and maybe a dunk tank…anything that doesn’t group the words “Palin” and the number “2012” together.

Please pay attention to me...

Famewhores keep things interesting.  It’s like the guy that’s at every party yelling, “Woo-hoo!” and doing way too many keg stands.  He might irritate the crap out of you, but it would get pretty boring if he wasn’t around.  In fact, how much fun would the party be if someone could get all of the people in this list to show up?

As 2009 comes to a close, we wanted to take one last look at the “Balloon Boys” of this year’s political headlines: the Top 10 Political  Stories That Were Neither Political Nor Stories.

Number 10:  Obama v. Fly

In June, political pundits and PETA members alike were abuzz about the pesky fly that disrupted a CNBC interview with President Obama. Interviewer John Harwood demonstrated a childlike fervor as he watched Obama execute the fly with one swift slap of the hand. It was an impressive feat, sure…but newsworthy? Hardly. Call us when he chokes a wolf with his bare hands or something.

Number 9:  Rush Limbaugh, Duped Again

This one is a technically a “story”, but only because it involves fiction. A blog named “Jumping in Pools” posted a satirical piece stating that Time Magazine reporter Joe Klein unearthed 10 pages of Obama’s college thesis. The thesis allegedly decried the free market, and labeled the Constitution “inherently flawed”. Rush took this opportunity to rail on the President on his radio show, thinking the blog post was real.

When Limbaugh found out the article was a fake, he neglected to apologize, instead simply changed his angle a bit, stating, “I know Obama thinks it.” Next time shall we do a little fact checking first?

Number 8: The White House Party Crashers

Who knew that President Obama’s first state dinner would bring a news report so fascinating and intriguing as the one about Michaele and Tareq Salahi? Actually, the story about the party-crashing Salahi’s wasn’t even a little bit interesting. Sure, there need to be stricter security measures in place for presidential gatherings, but if there’s one more picture posted of the two of those goofy smiles or that damn red dress, there’s going to be another type of security breach on tap.

Number 7: The Town Hall Tea Bag Takeover

The best thing that came out of the tea-bagging minority was a host of excellent one-liners deriving from the phrase “Tea Baggers”. These folks couldn’t have come up with a more ironic name if they called themselves “the Wankers”, an acronym for “We Ain’t for Nobama Killing the Economy with Rationing and Socialism”. Rabble rousers, they were – aware of modern sexual slang terms, they were not. We’ll be sorry to see the jokes subside, but won’t necessarily miss the Tea Baggers themselves.

Number 6 : The King of Pop Resolution

Democratic Representative Shiela Jackson Lee of Texas (they make Democrats in Texas?) suggested Congress pass a resolution honoring the late Michael Jackson. With all due respect to the departed, what’s next? A nod in the preamble to Anna Nicole Smith? “One nation, under Golden Girls,” added to the Pledge of Allegiance in honor of Bea Arthur?

Let’s keep a healthy separation between celebrity and state…mmkay? This story’s not news, not politics.

Number 5:  Rod Blagojevich Considers Oprah for Vacant Senate Seat

Really? Oprah might have made a decent Congresswoman, but again – must celebrities and politicians be so closely enmeshed in weird and random ways? Perhaps Rod should stick to hoarding hair pomade, while Oprah should focus on her slow, but steady plot for world domination. Fair enough?

Number 4: Alan Grayson Knows Internet Acronyms

In December, outspoken Representative Alan Grayson told Chris Matthews on Hardball that Dick Cheney should, “STFU”. This is not a political news story, folks. It’s just common sense. It’s like saying Kanye West needs Thorazine and a muzzle. It’s a sort of unspoken wisdom that everyone already knows. Why write an article about it?

Number 3:  Joe Wilson’s Tattles During Healthcare Speech

Political? Sorta. Consequential? Not really. A tantrum along the lines of a 6-year-old rebuking his Mommy for not getting the Xbox she promised him for his birthday is neither relevant, nor a story. If Representative Wilson had a compelling argument to share, he would not have made it onto this list. Instead, he made headlines for acting like a big baby.

Number 2: Obama Commits Act of Treason by Leaning Forward

In November, Obama obliterated any of the U.S.’s remaining machismo when he bowed to Japanese Emperor Akihito (the horror!) and his wife (double horror!). The outrage that subsequently ensued let the rest of the world know that the United States bows to no one, not even the leaders of allied countries.

Sorry, but a polite gesture of greeting does not a news story make. However, if Obama gets caught giving a secret handshake to the leader of the Freemasons, the KKK or Lenin’s corpse – that will constitute a major scoop.

Number 1: The Sarah Palin Grab Bag

No, we’re not trying to be dirty with that headline. There are just so many useless Sarah Palin “stories” to choose from. We don’t care much about her book release, her resignation as Alaska’s governor, or her death panel allegations. Sure, some of stories might be political in essence…but are they really? She’s not holding a political office any longer – so why are her garbled soliloquies still appearing on Page 1? There should really be a “Palin Filter” option on our newspapers, computers and TV’s.

All that being said, we really can’t get enough from this Levi Johnston character.

As 2010 is just around the corner, we can only imagine what trivial stories we’ll have to endure next year. We’re guessing that a few of the players on the list above will be making an encore appearance.

Happy New Year from Apoliticus!

Rahm, Rahm, he’s the bomb. So what if he acts like a Jewish mobster? There’s still a lot to love about Rahm Emanuel… so let’s hug it out bitches…

Number 10: Mail a man a fish, and he’ll fear for a lifetime

You treat Rahm right, he treats you right. But if you cross him, expect a counterattack. One pollster so angered Mr. Emanuel, that he mailed him a dead fish. Sure, that’s better than waking up to a horse’s head staring you in the face, but twice as stinky.

Number 9: Rahm does stuff, and then somebody makes a t-shirt about it…

Rahmfacts.com offers a delightful selection of Rahm-related attire, where you can purchase a tee that reads, “‘Maul Her! Amen!’ is an anagram for Rahm Emanuel” or “Rahm Emanuel assumes you know it’s him calling.” When was the last time that something you said or did ended up on a t-shirt? Next up, Rahm Emanuel will challenge reigning champion Chuck Norris on the internet in the realm of user-generated statements of exaggerated toughness. Which is tough, because when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Number 8: He knows how to handle delicate Jewish/Gentile relations

You may remember an incident between Monica Lewinsky and former president Bill Clinton… yeah, that incident. Back then, Rahm was an advisor to Bill. Using his direct, no-nonsense style of guidance, he shared a few words of advice for the President. According to Politico, Rahm said, “You got it backwards. You messed around with a Jewish girl, and now you’re paying a goyish lawyer. You should have messed around with a goyish girl, and gotten a Jewish lawyer”.

Number 7: He’s a looker

Politics isn’t necessarily the first place you’d go for a good-looking face. For example, one of Gerald Ford’s Chiefs of Staff was Dick Cheney, and he always looks like he has just eaten a bad ham sandwich.  But Rahm has big brown eyes and the feisty, bad-boy appeal that makes so many women swoon. He even made People Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People list for 2009, so you know it’s gotta be true. People knows.

Number 6: If you don’t love him, he’ll slap you in the face with all 4 ½ fingers

Teenaged Rahm + an Arby’s meat-slicer = the worst kind of knuckle sandwich. Rahm sliced off part of his middle finger working at an Arby’s when he was a kid. Our Rahm’s so hardcore that he didn’t even go to the hospital to get his finger treated, instead he went swimming with his buddies. The digit ended up getting infected and partially amputated. According to President Obama, the ordeal “rendered him practically mute” because of his penchant for certain lewd gestures.

That middle finger is well missed...

Number 5: He makes ballet cool, even for tough guys like him

Rahm was at a crossroads after high school. The decision was whether to attend the Joffrey Ballet on a full scholarship, or Sarah Lawrence. Rahm ultimately ditched his leotard to get a liberal arts degree at Sarah Lawrence. Who knows how his life could have gone differently had he stuck with a dance career? Would he have landed leading roles in Flashdance, Footloose, or Dirty Dancing? Hard to imagine, but you never know.

Number 4: His foul mouth is contagious

Rahm has cable news anchors so riled up, that they have a hard time watching their own mouths. His influence has some journalists blindly abandoning all tedious allusions like “f-word”, “f-bomb” or even “eff”. Joe Scarborough is one of the anchors who gladly performed his best impression of our obscenity-lovin’ Mensch. One morning Scarborough Country was befouled when Joe dropped the aforementioned f-jobber live on air without any censorship, bleep or warning while chastising Rahmmy for the same. The reaction of co-host Mike Barnicle is priceless.

Number 3: He revels in the deaths of his enemies

In the mid 90’s, Rahm was having dinner with some friends and Clinton White House aides. Rahm organized and led a sonorous chorus of merriment concerning the former foes of the 1992 Clinton campaign. “Nat Landow, dead!” he shouted, slamming the steak knife he clutched, into the table. “Cliff Jackson, dead!” he continued. “Bill Schaefer, dead!” he persisted, as his comrades joined in the celebration.

It’s hardly a eulogy, but an appropriate send-off from Rahmbo nonetheless.

Number 2:  He will hang up on you if you donate a measly $5,000 to his cause

Rahm is known to abruptly end phone calls with donors who offer paltry amounts for political donations. If you’re a “$25,000 kind of guy”, you better give up the cash – all of it – because anything less will embarrass him.

Number 1: He speaks to Congress in love letters

In homage to the Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem “How Do I Love Thee”, Rahm read a letter of similar cadence on the floor of the House. The poem blasted the GOP for their greed-fueled relationships with special interest groups. The line, “I love thee for thy donations, libations, and vacations,” sums up the tone of the ode. Republicans responded with a limerick, but compared to Rahm’s it fell short in felicity and ingenuity. They would have done better with the classic Nantucket theme.

How do we love thee, Rahm Emanuel? Let us count the ways. One, two, five, eight…Ten. There are ten ways.