Washington, D.C. – In the fallout of a scathing Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) report that revealed the huge amounts of time SEC employees spent accessing and downloading pornography in 2008, the SEC has announced that it will enter rehab in hopes of ridding itself of its crippling dependency on internet-based pornographic material.

The report, which implicates both key senior-level SEC workers and low-level accountants alike, shows the SEC’s obsession with pornography during the crucial moments in which the U.S. economy teetered on the edge of complete collapse.  “Our unquenchable thirst for watching other people have sex is unforgiveable, and we apologize profusely to all those whose lives were ruined in the wake of the financial collapse as we got our rocks off,” said one high ranking SEC official. “This is why we are taking upon ourselves to do the responsible thing by checking ourselves in to the Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services clinic located in Hattiesburg, Mississippi – the very same clinic attended by Mr. Tiger Woods after the fallout of his sexual misdeeds.”

In the report, one low-level accountant was singled out as have been blocked over 16,000 times in a month from visiting websites classified as “Sex” or “Pornography.” While this accountant has not been officially named, some in the SEC have already come to the defense of this employee: “In his defense, given the dire situation of the economy at the time, he was simply doing research to see how many ways the American People could be fucked by Wall Street’s financial collapse.”

It has yet to be determined how long the SEC will be confined to the 20-foot high gates of the Pine Grove Behavioral clinic, but there is some speculation that upon its return to society the SEC will state that it has found God and will apologize yet again to the American public via a live-simulcast press conference that will distract from any and all more pressing news stories, like a bombing that killed millions in the middle east, or the over-throw of a dictator.