PRAGUE – After a long negotiation session with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, President Obama has brokered an historic arms treaty that will see both the United States and Russia pare down their nuclear stockpiles, bringing the official number of weapons held by either side down from a “Shitload” to a “Asston.”

Speaking with the press during the announcement of the deal, President Obama spoke on the historic importance of the treaty: “Since the end of the Cold War, both the United States and Russia have worked feverishly to reach an agreement on limiting the number of nuclear weapons in our position – from an amount that can thoroughly destroy our planet and everything on it thousands of times over, to an amount that can thoroughly destroy our planet and everything on it only hundreds of times over. Today, we have finally achieved that goal.”

The treaty stipulates that both Russian and the United States are to dismantle 30 percent of their nuclear stock piles —  about 1,500 nuclear warheads each — thereby, canceling out the world wide fear of a mega-nuclear war resulting in the complete annihilation of most of the human race; and replacing it with the fear of super-nuclear war where the few thousand humans still alive must roam the scorched wastelands of Earth fearing radiation poisoning and, of course, hoards of bloodthirsty cannibals.

“There was much discussion as to the exact amount of weapons we were comfortable with dismantling,” said President Medvedev, “There was some talk of a Fuckton, and we even went as far as to discuss the potential of getting rid of One Hell Of A Lot. In the end, we settled on Shitload because we both felt it would be irresponsible for us to lose the ability to utterly destroy ourselves and every other landmass on Earth.”