Kabul, Afghanistan – President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan took to the streets of Kabul today where he was met by a large crowd of followers as he officially severed his ties with the current crop of what he calls the “Afghani political elite” in order to form what is being called the Opium Party Movement.

His speech, in which he railed against the Afghani government that he runs, covered a wide range of topics, most notably, the heavy taxation of opium: “Opium may be a crime in America, but here, in Afghanistan, it is the taxation of opium that is a crime!” The crowd of roughly five-hundred looked on and cheered his every word; some bringing signs to the event dawned with such Opium Party slogans as “The opiet (party) of the masses” and “Give me libarty or give me deth.”

Mr. Karzai went on to talk about the ever expanding role of the federal Afghani government: “Ten years ago there was almost nothing that could even be considered an Afghani  government. But today, we have presidents and elections and all of this non-sense. It’s just growing too fast and it’s out of control!” When asked about what he and fellow Opium Party members felt was the proper solution to the problem of big government, Mr. Karzai replied, “We need to go back to the plan that our founding opium drug lords laid out before us: we need to strip the federal government of its power and give this power back to the provinces and the opium lords that run them!”

President Karzai could not finish his planned 15-minute speech due to the unruliness of his Opium Party supporters, many of whom resorted to shouting such taboo phrases as “Democratic Dog!” and “Freedom-Lover!” at nearby members of Afghani parliament.  One particularly harrowing moment came when an Opium Party member verbally berated a man with no legs for not being “patriotic enough to blow up his entire body for his country.”