Top 5: Celebrities Who Should Be Politicians
We live in the era of political entertainment, where policy plays second fiddle to pseudo-political events, like Obama killing a fly, White House party crashers, and coverage of dudes carrying around very angry signage with very poor grammar and spelling. We at Apoliticus think that if politics is going to be our entertainment, then it might as well be damn good and entertaining. So down with the professional politician, let’s take this thing to its logical conclusion and hire some real talent for the roles. Here are the Top 5 Celebrities Who Should Be Politicians.
Number 5: Kevin Smith
Stoners of the world unite! We think that Silent Bob’s silence should end. Smith has entertained throngs of Gen X moviegoers since his writing and acting debut in 1994, and now, because of his row with Southwest Airlines (due to portliness, and aircraft seating that couldn’t comfortably accommodate a squirrel), we think he has found his political cause célèbre: social justice for the chubby. He has already shown the ability to use social media (Twitter) to raise awareness of the issue, and we know that the web was a key weapon in the spammer in chiefs arsenal when he defeated maverick McCain and that second grader he ran with. Just don’t shake his hand when he’s stumping. He could stink palm you.
Number 4: Courtney Love
If there’s one thing that separates the United States from all the other countries, it’s that we glorify train wrecks. In fact, freedom to be fascinated with train wrecks is part of the US constitution, right before the section covering the freedom to listen to Lady Gaga and just after the section that deals with the right to secretly lust for Ann Coulter (note: calling into question the validity of the previous statement is unconstitutional)
Just picture it: you’re watching the State of the Union address. The camera pans over the attentive members of Congress – but who’s that in a revealing dress, splayed in her chair with bruises up her legs, seemingly half-drunk and psychotic? That’s right, It’s Nancy Pelosi. Courtney Love would be sitting right beside her.
Number 3: Dana Carvey
Here’s one comedian who’d be great in politics. Politicians are often portrayed as talking out of both sides of their mouth, and Dana’s got 1,000 voices to choose from. A boon to Republicans, Dana could offer the country some prudent conservative advice just by doing his George Bush Sr. impression. Need help passing a bill encouraging prayer in schools? Church Lady can assist. Should Arnold Schwarzenegger become unable to attend an important meeting, call on Hans, from Hans and Franz.
Number 2: Steven Seagal
It’s hard to be cool like Steven Seagal, the only people who come close have names that begin with hassle and end with hoff.
Seagal is not just an arm-breaking Aikido master, he also happens to work with PETA…did we also mention that he is above the law? Well he is. Don’t ask again.
Actually these days Steven is the law and is featured on the A&E show “Steven Seagal: Lawman” which documents Steven’s foray into Louisiana law enforcement. So what is The logical next step? Lawmaker.
Imagine President Seagal’s response to the Joe Wilson “You Lie!’ incident. Now imagine a man being turned into a pretzel. Note how you are imagining the same thing in both instances.
Seagal’s first order of business? Outlawing all exaggerated comments about Chuck Norris. Because we all know that Steven Seagal can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Number 1: Tiger Woods
Tiger already seems to be following the William Jefferson Clinton smarmy politician checklist. Let’s review: 1. Charisma? Check. 2. Ability to lie? Yup. 3. Sex scandal? And then some. 4. Barely believable public apology? Done!
The difference is Tiger’s sex scandals have involved women who were, how do we put this delicately, slightly more attractive than Monica Lewinsky. He also is a much better golfer than Clinton, so much like the press was always enamored with JFK’s golf game, Tiger will spend more time talking how he got a hole-in-one rather than one in the…well you get it.
How will he handle the actual political side? Easy. His new caddie/wingman, Bill M*therf#$%in Clinton: “Tiger, let’s take a 7 iron and crank Ken Starr right off the noggin”.