The past twelve months have brought us an abundance of notable news stories that affect each and every one of us. Government officials tackled tough topics  such as health care reform, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the nomination of  a Supreme Court Justice. However, there were a few political stories out there that were awesomely unimportant, a host of events that kept the lazier journalists employed and the public un-informed  yet entertained.

As 2009 comes to a close, we wanted to take one last look at the “Balloon Boys” of this year’s political headlines: the Top 10 Political  Stories That Were Neither Political Nor Stories.

Number 10:  Obama v. Fly

In June, political pundits and PETA members alike were abuzz about the pesky fly that disrupted a CNBC interview with President Obama. Interviewer John Harwood demonstrated a childlike fervor as he watched Obama execute the fly with one swift slap of the hand. It was an impressive feat, sure…but newsworthy? Hardly. Call us when he chokes a wolf with his bare hands or something.

Number 9:  Rush Limbaugh, Duped Again

This one is a technically a “story”, but only because it involves fiction. A blog named “Jumping in Pools” posted a satirical piece stating that Time Magazine reporter Joe Klein unearthed 10 pages of Obama’s college thesis. The thesis allegedly decried the free market, and labeled the Constitution “inherently flawed”. Rush took this opportunity to rail on the President on his radio show, thinking the blog post was real.

When Limbaugh found out the article was a fake, he neglected to apologize, instead simply changed his angle a bit, stating, “I know Obama thinks it.” Next time shall we do a little fact checking first?

Number 8: The White House Party Crashers

Who knew that President Obama’s first state dinner would bring a news report so fascinating and intriguing as the one about Michaele and Tareq Salahi? Actually, the story about the party-crashing Salahi’s wasn’t even a little bit interesting. Sure, there need to be stricter security measures in place for presidential gatherings, but if there’s one more picture posted of the two of those goofy smiles or that damn red dress, there’s going to be another type of security breach on tap.

Number 7: The Town Hall Tea Bag Takeover

The best thing that came out of the tea-bagging minority was a host of excellent one-liners deriving from the phrase “Tea Baggers”. These folks couldn’t have come up with a more ironic name if they called themselves “the Wankers”, an acronym for “We Ain’t for Nobama Killing the Economy with Rationing and Socialism”. Rabble rousers, they were – aware of modern sexual slang terms, they were not. We’ll be sorry to see the jokes subside, but won’t necessarily miss the Tea Baggers themselves.

Number 6 : The King of Pop Resolution

Democratic Representative Shiela Jackson Lee of Texas (they make Democrats in Texas?) suggested Congress pass a resolution honoring the late Michael Jackson. With all due respect to the departed, what’s next? A nod in the preamble to Anna Nicole Smith? “One nation, under Golden Girls,” added to the Pledge of Allegiance in honor of Bea Arthur?

Let’s keep a healthy separation between celebrity and state…mmkay? This story’s not news, not politics.

Number 5:  Rod Blagojevich Considers Oprah for Vacant Senate Seat

Really? Oprah might have made a decent Congresswoman, but again – must celebrities and politicians be so closely enmeshed in weird and random ways? Perhaps Rod should stick to hoarding hair pomade, while Oprah should focus on her slow, but steady plot for world domination. Fair enough?

Number 4: Alan Grayson Knows Internet Acronyms

In December, outspoken Representative Alan Grayson told Chris Matthews on Hardball that Dick Cheney should, “STFU”. This is not a political news story, folks. It’s just common sense. It’s like saying Kanye West needs Thorazine and a muzzle. It’s a sort of unspoken wisdom that everyone already knows. Why write an article about it?

Number 3:  Joe Wilson’s Tattles During Healthcare Speech

Political? Sorta. Consequential? Not really. A tantrum along the lines of a 6-year-old rebuking his Mommy for not getting the Xbox she promised him for his birthday is neither relevant, nor a story. If Representative Wilson had a compelling argument to share, he would not have made it onto this list. Instead, he made headlines for acting like a big baby.

Number 2: Obama Commits Act of Treason by Leaning Forward

In November, Obama obliterated any of the U.S.’s remaining machismo when he bowed to Japanese Emperor Akihito (the horror!) and his wife (double horror!). The outrage that subsequently ensued let the rest of the world know that the United States bows to no one, not even the leaders of allied countries.

Sorry, but a polite gesture of greeting does not a news story make. However, if Obama gets caught giving a secret handshake to the leader of the Freemasons, the KKK or Lenin’s corpse – that will constitute a major scoop.

Number 1: The Sarah Palin Grab Bag

No, we’re not trying to be dirty with that headline. There are just so many useless Sarah Palin “stories” to choose from. We don’t care much about her book release, her resignation as Alaska’s governor, or her death panel allegations. Sure, some of stories might be political in essence…but are they really? She’s not holding a political office any longer – so why are her garbled soliloquies still appearing on Page 1? There should really be a “Palin Filter” option on our newspapers, computers and TV’s.

All that being said, we really can’t get enough from this Levi Johnston character.

As 2010 is just around the corner, we can only imagine what trivial stories we’ll have to endure next year. We’re guessing that a few of the players on the list above will be making an encore appearance.

Happy New Year from Apoliticus!

Top 10: Political Stories of 2009 That Were Neither Political Nor Stories9.5102