America’s hero of hyperbole is stronger than ever these days. The growing list of sponsor drop-outs and petitions from civil libertarians can’t bring our dear Glenn Beck down. He may eventually end up broadcasting from his bomb shelter wearing a tin foil hat and talking into a soup can tied to the remaining hairs on his head. But for now, he’s planted firmly on his donut pillow at Fox News.

There’s a lot to love about Glenn Beck.

Number 10: He can out-rant anyone from Bill O’Reilly to Christian Bale

Sure, Bill O’Reilly can threaten to “do it live”, and Christian Bale will “trash your lights”, but Glenn Beck can outwit, outrage and out-rant the best of ‘em, from the pithy to the British.

During a conversation about health care reform on his radio show with a venerable opponent known only as “Kathy”, Glenn’s voice transformed into a psychotic growl as he ordered the woman to get off his phone. He spun into a frenzy, squealing once again, “Get off my phone!” in an eerie, falsetto howl. O’Reilly and Bale can do the whole angry thing, but can they do it in a spine-chilling shriek? Can they strike terror in the hearts of Kathy’s everywhere?

Didn’t think so.

Number 9: He don’t need no stinkin’ logic!

Ever want to spit in the face of reason and good sense? Glenn does this on a daily basis. He’s been quoted as saying, “The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be ‘What the hell you mean we’re out of missiles?’” On another occasion he said, “Timothy McVeigh was a coward. Violence is the stupid way out. It’ll discredit any real legitimate movement.”

Take that, brainiacs! Glenn is able to inspire us all to say what we feel, not what we mean.

Number 8: He doesn’t need weed to concoct a good conspiracy theory…

In the olden days, conspiracy theories were reserved for reefer-toking burnouts who were set to discredit scientific facts and oppressive government organizations. Glenn has brought radical suspicion to the rest of us, turning the most jovial conservative into a seething, paranoid extremist. He can transform public leaders into nazis, communists, fascists or any other kind of unpleasant party you can think of. Even…gasp…a socialist! Move over McCarthy, there’s a new psycho in town.

Glenn has even spearheaded the popular new party game, “Six Degrees of Oligarchy”.

Number 7: Who doesn’t love chipmunks?

Glenn vaguely resembles this petite, striped member of the rodentia family. Chipmunks are loveable little creatures that scurry about, collecting nuts and seeds to stuff inside their cheeks. So what’s Glenn’s excuse? What has he been storing up there? Is it razors or pushpins, to easily bring tears on command? Frogs, to help croak out his distinctive Kermit voice? Nuts, because sometimes he feels like a nut?

Number 6:  He’s been through butt surgery “gone awry”

Glenn’s deep feelings go all the way where the sun don’t shine. Back in 2007, when Glenn hated the American health care system, he had “eye-opening”, “melt your brain”, “phenomenally bad” hemorrhoid surgery that led him to the brink of suicide. Glenn fully recovered from the ordeal, despite becoming the butt of many jokes thereafter.

Sadly, surgeons were unable to remove the bug that clearly still resides there.

Number 5: He went to church for sex

Some people start going to church to make themselves a better person or to live a life serving God. Glenn found religion because his second wife, Tania, refused to have premarital sex, and wouldn’t marry unless the two adopted a faith. So Glenn did what any red-blooded male would do, and that is to race to the car in search of God, leaving a trail of dust à la Speedy Gonzales. The two proceeded to go on a “church tour” in search of the perfect religion, ultimately deciding on Mormonism.

One has to wonder, however, if Tania wasn’t trying to pull off some colossal bluff when she asked Glenn to find religion before getting in bed with her.

Number 4: He is undaunted by fearsome foes like Whoopi Goldberg

When appearing on The View in early 2009, Glenn was reluctant to address a complicated conflict between him and the ladies regarding an interlude on an Amtrak train. He responded to Barbara Walter’s melodious inquiry, “Why are you nervous?” with the assured, confident reply, “Have you looked the way looking-whoop-Whoopie’s looking at me?”

What’s even better is he had absolutely no response to Whoopie’s assertion that Glenn is a “lying sack of dog mess”.

Number 3: He has perfected the bittersweet “Pre-Cry Gasp”

Glenn’s been mocked for his frequent crying spells, but people don’t realize that it takes a certain talent to achieve the consummate Pre-Cry Gasp and subsequent Breath Hold. These steps that sound a lot like challenging wrestling moves are no laughing matter. If performed incorrectly, Glenn could suffer an aneurysm from holding his breath too long, or worse – even more brain damage.

Consider each successful tantrum a victorious walk along a thin, dangerous line.

Number 2:  Glenn might have been the second shooter in the JFK assassination

In homage to our friend Glenn, let us explore the possibility of his involvement in the JFK assassination.

The alleged second shooter was purported to have shot JFK from a grassy knoll. The letters G and K of “grassy knoll” correspond with the first and last letters of the name “Glenn Beck”. The U.S. Government affirms that Lee Harvey Oswald was the one and only shooter. Glenn’s middle name? Lee. Glenn was born in Washington State. What was the capital of the country in which JFK was murdered? Washington, DC.
The shooting occurred on November 22, 1963. Glenn Beck was born less than three months after, on February 10, 1964. Coincidence? Hardly.

Draw your own conclusions, America.

Number 1: He tried to go back in time

In the 80’s, Glenn was arrested for speeding in his DeLorean. He would have been more successful at getting a “re-do” on his life if he hadn’t left one of the gull-wings of his car wide open. Great way to get in an accident, terrible way to retreat in time to convince your mother she had a headache the night you were conceived.

Don’t ever change, Glenn Beck. You are truly and thankfully one of a kind.

Top 10: Things to Love About Glenn Beck5.5106