Number 5: The town hall sessions were staged by the same guys who did the moon landing

See how the flag flaps? Everyone knows that there is no wind in South Carolina...

Why agree to reform health care if the guy that is claiming to do all of these town hall meetings is not actually there. Furthermore, if he is not actually there, and the Liberal Hollywood Industrial Complex is creating these events at a studio in Culver City, how can we be certain that Obama isn’t actually a kitten-eating robot as some other reports suggest?

Here kitty kitty...

Number 4: A key public option supporter was the second gunman in the Kennedy assasination

The dude who shot at JFK from the grassy knoll was big on the public option for health care…or at least we can assume he was, since anyone who believes in the public option must be a COMMUNIST. If Lee Harvey Oswald was at least a part time communist, it stands to reason that the phantom shooter must have also been a communist. The 2nd shooter may still be among us with his looney tune ideas about quality healthcare for every citizen…unless he was actually that dead scuba diver they found in the tree…

Number 3: Mikey from those Life commercials would have died from mixing pop rocks and coke if Obama’s plan had existed in the 80’s

Remember Mikey? Remember how we all thought he was dead? Well he isn’t, but he would be under Obamacare. It turns out that Obama’s proposal doesn’t cover child stars or people who mix random forms of ultra-sugary processed foods. This also means that Obama’s plan could have wiped out a whole era of must-see TV involving child actors…boys would never have had the opportunity to argue over whether Blair or Joe was hotter on “The Facts Of Life”, as they would have both bought the farm after being refused treatment for downing a box of Twinkies with a case of Yoo-hoo.

Choose Life...

Number 2:Obama will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” Vulcan ritual to determine who will get medical care

Death panels? Oh you’ll wish you had a death panel. Since Obama is actually a Vulcan, he will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” fight to the death in order to determine who gets medical care…and since you don’t have half the stones that Captain James T  has,  you are pretty much SOL. Even if you do win by fluke, don’t expect to reap the benefits of the Pon Far vulcan mating ritual…Obama is just focusing on the duel part.

We suggest you start practicing with some ridiculously cumbersome weapons immediately:

Number 1: Obama is not actually American, is probably a Freemason, and may have been the person responsible for the cancellation of Arrested Development.

You know that Barack Obama and his other German friends ”secret-handshaked” their way to citizenship and the White House through their affiliation with the Freemasons. No one that calm and reasonable and so bereft of John Waynesque mannerisms could ever have been so successful otherwise . If you spell “Change” backwards, it spells “Egnahc”. Enough said.

But did you know that Obama singlehandedly cancelled Arrested Development, the best show on TV ever? And did you know that it was because his half brother, Jason Bateman, was about to speak out about Obama’s plan to replace the nations registered nurses with trained Alpacas from South America? We didn’t think so.

Just five reasons to reject Obamacare. No thanks necessary.