Top 10: Famous Politicians and Their Disgusting Bodily Functions
The human body is disgusting. While some people have bodies that appear to defy the laws of gravity, the rest of the laws of physics remain firmly (or, on occasion, not so firmly) in place. What goes in, as they say, must come out. This is especially true for those living in the public eye. However, in the case of those in the spotlight, that which goes in often comes out in public.
Next time you find yourself on a toilet, pants around your ankles, sweating and grinding your teeth in pain as the Corona you drank wages an unholy war with the jalapenos that made so much sense the night before, take comfort in the fact that yours is not the first colon to play battlefield to the dark forces of cheap beer and spicy Mexican food. Everybody, from the homeless man that cleans his old newspapers on your windshield to the President of the United States has prayed for an axe handle to chew on as they wait for whatever the hell oil-tanker they must have eaten yesterday to complete its voyage through the Poo-ez canal… Sideways. The difference is, as ones social status increases, so does the chance of one’s excremental exploits finding their way to Youtube. Homeless Joe can crap his pants all day long and nobody would care. When a politician does it, the media is all over it like flies on… fly food, because the excrement of the rich and famous is the media’s bread and butter.
Number 10: George Bush pukes on the Japanese Prime Minister
In 1992, after apparently exhausting all diplomatic options, George Bush Sr. voiced his disapproval of Japans’ economic policy, and the Prime ministers choice in clothing, by vomiting on him at some sort of dinner for international high rollers. Now, many have claimed that the incident was completely accidental and that president was ill, which is entirely reasonable when you consider some of the foods that may have been on the menu, but that cannot be confirmed. Except by those who were there, and those whose job it is to confirm things. But for the sake of Internet comedy writers everywhere we are going to assume that his motives were far more sinister. He obviously intended to use the acidic properties of his presidential bile to dissolve the Prime minister into a semi-gelatinous ooze that he could more easily digest, in much the same way that Jeff Goldblum did in his 1986 bio-pic “The Fly”. [Citation needed]
Number 9: Rep. Jim Marshall Vomits during 3-mile race.
Many readers will be shocked to discover that George Bush Sr. was not the first politician to throw up. Rep. Jim Marshall (D- Ga.) had his own experience with chunk blowing in 2007 during a the ACLI Capitol Challenge, a 3 mile race in which the contestants are, apparently, encouraged to cheat by dropping oil-slick-like puddles of vomit to keep their competitors at bay. Not wanting to lose to Tennessee’s Rep. Zack Wamp, or “Wampy McDouche”, as Marshall is rumored to have called him*, Rep. Marshall decided to push himself especially hard that morning, completing the race in just over 21 minutes. Although he denies all vomiting, he does admit to retching. Which is kind of the same thing, but more dignified. Somehow.
*We started this rumor
Number 8: Jersey City Representative Steve Lipski pisses off concertgoers (By pissing on them)
Politics is about more than running in races and puking at inappropriate times, sometimes you have to take a leak too. Just ask Steve Lipski, a Jersey City Representative who found himself in that very situation on 11/7/2008 on the top floor of a New Jersey nightclub. Faced with the choice of relieving himself where he stood, or suffering the indignity of holding it in, he did what anyone would do and chose to hold it in… until he was close enough to the edge of the balcony to piss on the heads of the people standing in line below. While Lipiski admits no wrongdoing, he does admit to being ‘very drunk’ at the concert and has since sworn off drinking. Lipiski was charged with Simple assault for the stunt. There is a golden shower joke in here somewhere, but apoliticus.com is a family blog and refuses to call question to its integrity by mentioning “golden showers”, “water sports”, or “spray-n-play”.
Number 7: Claire McCaskill Spits On Mitt Romney Earpiece
According to blogger Ben Smith, Missouri Junior Senator Claire McCaskill was quoted as saying, “I spit on this before I put it in.” shortly before handing an earpiece used during an interview with MSNBC to Mitt Romney. Reports that Romney replied with “That’s what she said.’ were not confirmed. Many have speculated as to why the senator would do such a thing. If she had spit on it shortly before handing it to Romney, we could understand that. Who hasn’t looked at Mitt and had the urge to give him a ‘wet willy’? No, the real question is why she would spit on it BEFORE she used it. We can assume that she did so to help lube the earpiece into her ear, but one can’t help but wonder if McCaskill suffers from some sort of ear-sex fetish. Aural sex, perhaps?
Number 6: Vito Fossella threatens to defecate in a police station
Most of us just assumed that Congressman Vito Fossella defecated from time to time. Vito Fossella removed all doubt following a post Superbowl DUI arrest. Now, he didn’t technically shit in a police station but he did threaten to. According to Officer Richard Sandoval, Fossella asked to use the bathroom, and upon being denied, he told the officer and everyone in the room that he was going to shit right there. According to official reports, Sandoval politely informed the Congressman that he was a ‘guest’ in the police station, and that there would be no unauthorized defecation. I would like to think that these words were accompanied by an off-the-record gesture to his gun and a steely gaze that said ‘Any loaves pinched in these here parts are getting wiped up with your face’. Fortunately for Sandoval (and Fossellas’ face), there were no loafs pinched that day.
Number 5: George Bush prefers farting to handshakes
Apparently, George Bush liked to greet the new crop of Whitehouse aides with what he refers to as an “Austin Greeting”. According to Paul Bedard, the former commander-in-beef would pop off a few trouser trumpets immediately prior to inviting the new aides into the oval orifice for a good old fashioned meet and greet. It’s said that The President delighted in watching the aides deliberately not say anything and pretend that the air in the room smelled great. It’s good to see that the President wasn’t too busy finding weapons of mass destruction, fixing the economy, and helping the victims of hurricane Katrina to enjoy a good fart joke.
Number 4: Life hands Sanford Bishop Lemons, Bishop makes lemonade (on a plane)
On a flight from Washington to Atlanta in May, democratic Congressman Sanford Bishop had to go… Bad. According to him, by the time the 30 minute period after take off that passengers must remain seated had passed, long lines at the bathrooms had formed. Rather than risk embarrassment, the congressman requested a cup and walked to an area between first-class and the cockpit. What happened next is up for debate. Some claim that Bishop relieved himself in the cup before disposing of its contents as soon as a bathroom became available, while opponents say that Bishop began walking up and down the first class aisle offering sips of ‘Liquid Bishop’ for 10 cents apiece. It should be noted that proponents of the ‘Liquid Bishop” theory are largely imaginary.
In any event, Bishop was detained briefly after the flight, as the area he mistook for a bathroom was a ’secured area’. He was then commended for disposing of the cup in the plane’s bathroom instead of placing it in the overhead compartment.
Number 3: Bill Clinton Mistakes Monica Lewinski’s Dress for an old sock
In what was probably the most famous of all body-fluid related political scandals, former President Bill Clinton ejaculated on Monica Lewinsky’s dress, resulting in a collective “Ewww….” from the nation. Not being one to wear white after Labor Day (or do laundry for that matter), Ms. Lewinsky was wearing a blue dress at the time, which provided little camouflage to conceal the President’s baby-batter. Lucky for the FBI, and unlucky for Clinton, the stain provided enough genetic evidence to link him to Lewinsky. Sexually. Which is the forensic evidence equivalent to having your buddies catch you banging a fat chick.
Number 2: Bob Dole Has Erections
Bob Dole doesn’t just have erections, he gets PAID to have erections. Shortly after his failed presidential bid in ‘96 the amorous aristocrat began endorsing Viagra, or ‘Boner Blaster’ as it is known on the street, thereby positioning himself as the Chuck Norris of elderly sex circles. Now, whether or not he participates in elderly sex circles, or just takes Viagra to have something to hold in his left hand (the right one is usually holding a pen), one thing is certain: There is no justice in a world where a 900 year old man gets paid for his erections, and I can’t give mine away for free.
Number 1: Lyndon Johnson Lets His Nuts Hang….
In the wake of Kennedy’s assasination, Johnson was left with some big shoes to fill. The shoes are the least of his worries, however. The real trouble was with the President’s testicles. According to Johnson himself, his balls were so big that he needed to order special pants to accommodate them. Feel free to have a listen for yourself:
In the recording, Johnson and his Johnson request, among other things, longer pockets, an extra ½ inch in the waist, and more room “down where your nuts hang.” He also mentions that his weight fluctuates 10 or 15 pounds a month. We imagine that most of that weight is manhood.