Because the alternatives aren’t looking any better:
October 7, 2011
Because the alternatives aren’t looking any better:
October 5, 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations Subcommittee on NASA Oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been “too much redundancy in the solar system: and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed recently.
“Look, we have three terrestrial planets” said Congressman Hugh C. Doothatt (Rep., OH), “and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?”
Most subcommittee members felt that, while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. “We have too many international commitments to Mars”, said Rush N. Hater (Rep., AZ.). “So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. It’s too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So, from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go.”
Also at risk is the planet Mercury, which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. “Who needs it?” asked Rep. Newt Onian (Rep., LA). “Have you ever seen it? We just don’t need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all.”
However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. “Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes,” said Rep. Conn Mann (Rep., FL). On the other hand Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for god’s sake, is just too far away. So be gone with those ugly bruisers.”
But, the influential Michele Batchick from Minnesota has publicly announced she will fight to eliminate Saturn. Batshick is especially miffed by NASA’s success thus far in keeping the Mir spacestation alive. She feels that space exploration, and science in general is a waste of taxpayer money. “If there ain’t any Mir, then there ain’t any exploration of Saturn” she exclaimed. The congresswoman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (the Cassini and the Galileo). The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto, which they deemed a moral misfit. “Now here’s a planet we can definitely do without.” Continued Batchick. “A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now it’s not. It’s just too confusing. And now they tell me it’s really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?!”
The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Reps. have corporate donors on the affected planets. The NASA Administrator has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying the “NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized.”
Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets.
Thus, the matter is far from resolved.
May 13, 2010
Washington, D.C. – From the moment President Obama announced his pick for the soon-to-be vacant seat on the Supreme Court, both house and senate republicans convened behind closed doors to evaluate their collective position, or rather opposition, of nominee Elena Kagan.
The Anti-Kagan Talking Point Committee has since meet on four separate occasions, each time discussing various buzzwords and key phrases they could possibly use while discussing their displeasure for the president’s selection of someone that is not of their mindset and ideology while they appear on television or talk with online and print reporters. “It’s too early to unveil our current buzzword media flood strategy, but we can say that the accusations being discussed are classic republican over-reaction and hyperbole,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, “some of the old mainstays like ‘Socialist’ and ‘Marxist’ are certainly on the table.”
Anonymous sources with close ties to the Republican Party and the clandestine meetings tell Apolitucs that republicans are working their hardest to deliver a fresh take on the old school idea of stanchly protesting a Supreme Court candidate before the candidate’s inevitable approval. Such words and phrases as “Doo-Doo Head” and “Fatty McFatterson” are being mulled over by the committee, but are in no way indicative of the final set of 2 to 3 terrifying buzzwords the committee will settle on; that they are merely a few off-the-top-of-the-head suggestions in an ever growing stew of apocalyptic-level fear -mongering verbiage.
“There are no bad ideas in talking point brainstorming,” said McConnell, “just bad ideas from the people our voter base has trained us to oppose, regardless of their merit.”
May 10, 2010
We all know that sometimes, election results are whack. Maybe the guy you voted for didn’t get in, maybe the predicted result you betted on was way off – maybe you’re just sad that your governor doesn’t have the deep-throating experience necessary to run a state. Here’s our list of the weirdest, wrongest and stupidest election results in history (in chronological order, to avoid accusations of favoritism in the comments section. And because we’re lazy).
Number 10: Pope Alexander VI, Rome, 1492
You’re probably familiar with the Borjia family, notorious for their various thefts, rapes, and poisonings in the 15th century. Well, Pope Alexander VI is the man who started the family on their track to infamy: his name before sticking on the big white hat was Rodrigo Borjia, and he was the thievingest, rapingest, poisoningest Borjia of the lot. Thanks to being the nephew of Pope Calixtus III, he zoomed up the Church ranks and, in 1492, was elected Pope – a decision that had less to do with Borjia’s Godly bearing and more to do with the fact he bribed his rivals out of the race with four mule-loads of silver.
From this seat of power, he had several bastard children, imprisoned and murdered a number of wealthy families (stealing their money and land in the process), ordered instant execution for anyone opposing the Borjia family and generally behaved like a massive prick. The only good thing to come from his reign was his own agonizing death, during which his bowels liquefied and his skin peeled off thanks to – yes, you guessed it – accidentally drinking his own poisoned wine.
Number 9: John Quincy Adams, USA, 1824
A lot of Democrats were pissed in 2000, when Dubya became president despite having less than 48% of the popular vote, especially when it turned out he couldn’t even play the sax. But that’s nothing compared to John Quincy Adams who, despite his fancy three names, became president with only 30.5% of the popular vote. In the strange election year that followed the collapse of the First Party System, none of the candidates -which included later president Andrew Jackson – could muster the required majority to convincingly take their place on the podium. Since this was 1824, a Freestyle Battle was sadly out of the question, and, for the first and only time since the ratification of the Twelfth Amendment, the House of Representatives decided on the winner, going with Adams and giving a huge middle finger to all of Jackson’s supporters. Still, if most of the voters weren’t happy about the decision, at least Adams was delighted!
Number 8: Ulysses S. Grant, USA, 1872
It’s fair to say that Ulysses S. Grant was not a popular president. No one expected the Republican incumbent to be re-elected, but then, they weren’t figuring on a splinter group, ‘The Liberal Republican Party’, turning that year’s election into a circus. With their nomination, Horace Greeley – then-editor of the New York tribune – often publicly mocked for both his ideals and his appearance, things didn’t go too well for this new party, especially since Greeley’s running mate, Benjamin Gratz Brown, was so drunk through most of the campaign that he was spotted at a fund-raising picnic trying to butter a watermelon. And when we say, ‘things didn’t go too well’, we mean, ‘Greeley didn’t actually survive until the electoral votes were cast’. Grant, facing competition from just a handful of no-hopers and a dead guy, romped away with the win.
Number 7: Cacareco, Brazil, 1958
In the city of Sao Paulo, Brazil, the local council elections for 1958 were viewed by many with distrust, due to years of corruption, ineptitude and arrogance on the part of a government that had failed to recognize the needs of its people. So when a new candidate – the heroic Cacareco – came along, the public united and Cacareco was elected to the top spot, beating 539 other candidates in the process. Sounds like a sensible move, right? Wait… did we mention that Cacareco was a rhinoceros? Yes, a five-year old female rhino beat all the human candidates hands (hooves?) down, despite her name literally translating as ‘piece of junk’ in Portuguese. As one angry voter said afterward, ‘Better to elect a rhino than an ass‘.
Number 6: Screaming Lord Sutch, Britain, 1983
You can probably guess that Screaming Lord Sutch didn’t take politics terribly seriously from the name of the party he founded in 1983: The Monster Raving Loony Party. You can probably also guess that the majority of his policies were fucking stupid. Started as a satirical dig at Britain’s mainstream political parties, the MRLP nevertheless went on to a considerable level of success, at one point holding 16 council seats across Britain in the early 90s. They even, despite their propensity for dressing like pedophiles infiltrating a Saturday morning kids’ show, managed to pass some of their less dumb policies into law, most famously bringing the voting age down to 18.
Number 5: Janusz Rewinski, Poland, 1991
Not content with the way Polish politics were shaping up after the fall of Communism, satirist Janusz Rewinski started the Polish Beer-Lovers’ Party (which, in our minds, looked like this). They soon won support from the public with their rallying cry, ‘It wouldn’t be better, but for sure it would be funnier!’ which captured both the Polish people’s sense of humor and their love of grammatically inaccurate sloganeering. Running on an anti-alcoholism platform that encouraged people to, ’switch from vodka to beer’, the party actually won 16 seats in the Sejm and, in yet another tragic case of beer ruining a promising start, eventually became a serious political party.
Number 4: Pretty much anybody, Somalia, 1991
In a country where the official political status is, ‘anarchy’, any election result is virtually meaningless. Since 1991, with militant Islamic groups fighting for control of the land and large bands of heavily-armed pirates patrolling the seas, the country has been in a state of constant upheaval. With a multitude of political parties all uselessly running on the vague platform of, ‘We’re just going to kill the other guys, we hadn’t really thought much past that, to be honest’, no change has so far been effected: last year, elections took place in a different country, and the only prerequisite for running for president was a $2,000 application fee.
Number 3: Jacob Haugaard, Denmark, 1994
Much like Britain’s Monster Raving Loony Party, Haugaard’s party – The Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements – was started as a joke. This joke backfired on the Danish comedian somewhat in 1994 when he received 23,253 votes and found himself with a seat in parliament. Despite winning his seat after a campaign that promised things like ‘better Christmas presents’ and ‘less sex in school staff rooms’, he took the job seriously and gratefully retired four years later, having learned that it’s much easier to make fun of politicians when you’re not one of them.
Number 2: Dustin the Turkey, Ireland, 1997
If there’s one thing that can be said for Cacareco, at least she was a real rhino: Dustin the Turkey was a kids’ TV puppet. Still, as the relationship between Tony Blair and George Bush showed us, having someone’s hand lodged firmly up your backside is no deterrent in the world of politics: during the Republic of Ireland’s 1997 presidential election, thousands of voters went with Dustin, despite him never being declared an official candidate (and despite looking exactly like British politician Michael Heseltine). Rumors persist to this day that he came in ahead of Derek Nally, so obviously he’s got something going for him.
Number 1: Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, 2003
If this the fact that Arnie is the governor of California seems normal to you by now, do us a quick favor: go and splash some cold water in your face, have a strong coffee and then, after a moment’s reflection, let out a 10-minute long scream of confusion and despair that this man is in charge of a whole state. In fairness to the big man, it’s hardly unusual for someone who’s mostly famous for being able to remember lines of dialogue in the correct order to become a successful politician, but this video does rather put it in perspective.
May 3, 2010
Los Angeles — In response to his highly praised and highly humorous speech at the 2010 White House Correspondents dinner, television network NBC has announced this morning that it will radically alter the late night comedy landscape once again by pushing Jay Leno out of the 11:35 Tonight Show spot he recently grabbed back from former Conan O’Brien, and place the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama in the coveted hosting position.
“He killed it,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates, “He just slayed them with quips and his ultra-fast wit. The guy’s gonna be great at 11:35. That thing he said about ‘socialized media’ was classic.” The joke referenced by Mr. Gates is one in which president Obama claimed that while his popularity may be waning, he is still a hit on Twitter and Facebook “Or as Sarah Palin calls it, the socialized media.”
Upon the announcement of President Obama’s new late night job, a White House press release was disseminated among media outlets:
“You love him when he governs the free world, and you’ll love him even more as he chats up mega stars like Brad Pitt and Will Farrell every weeknight. Joined by his trusty sidekick, the scrappy Joe Biden (what’s he gonna say next?), and his band, the House Subcommittee of Funk, President Obama will have you laughing at night after sparking intelligent debate about important issue during his day job.”
On the subject of the move, President and CEO of NBC/Universal Jeff Zucker said, “Only now do we realize that bringing back Jay was mistake. Sadly, Conan is already taken by TBS, so we all feel that there was only one logical solution to the problem of Jay’s inherent unfunniness: get the President of the United States to host ‘Tonight.’”